oh wow, i didn't know.

oh wow! i read the last blog entry and was so emotional about what i read! i had no idea! this past year has been hard, probably emotional and mentally and spiritually the single hardest i have ever encountered, mainly because i have actually dealt and felt the emotions. but, i will say that i would repeat many horrible years in my life, but not this past one! i think that lately i am beginning to understand why it hurts so much and why it doesn't feel like it will ever heal. i think that it is because, it was something different, something i had never really experienced before, complete truth, complete freedom, complete acceptance and unconditional love, and then it was gone, it took me a long time to get there, it was an experience i didn't have too long, and unlike the rest of my life, which i had been going through since birth, it was new and it was hard to understand how something that was working, going well, was so bad and wrong. i am learning, and trying to forgive, trying to try new things to make it through the day and mostly the nights, i am not doing well with the whole of the system, it has crashed and burned and not very healthy at the present, but i am getting up each day and attempting to reach my goal, i am trying to regroup, rebuild and not hold on to bitterness and abandonment. so, when i read leia's post i was floored, i tried to talk to her, but she fell apart, she says she has regrets, and she says that with the screwed up system it is just a like waiting for an explosion after the fuse is lit. it hurts me, i feel so responsible for their pain, for putting false hopes and dreams in their heads, i can't take back what happened, can't erase that memory from my mind, but i wish that i could comfort or make it better. if it weren't for leia, i wouldn't be here today, that is a proven fact, so her pain is very difficult for me. i don't know what to do or say, usually she would be the one i went to for this type of advice, my heart is breaking tonight, and the weirdest thing to me is that actually it is breaking for "me". this is so confusing!

leia writes....

i haven't written for a long long time. i haven't done much of anything for awhile now. but, inside my logical mind, things are constantly brewing and bubbling over and i find that tonight i can no longer pretend and I can no longer hold in the feelings and since i have lost everyone of any significance in my life, this is my outlet. my sounding board, my shoulder to lean on. how very sad! I have so much inside of me, trying to get this out, sounding like a sane person is a wish at this point, for I know that I will ramble, and bitch and probably not make sense to anyone outside of my brain, but that is how it is and will be so; too bad. Friday was a hard day for me, for a lot of us "pieces", if you will, it was our "dads" birthday and debbie decided that she would take a chance and try to see him in a neutral setting, at his job, with lots of witnesses around to verify that she was not doing anything immoral or perverted. She had pondered whether or not she should do this and felt like it was something she really wanted to do, despite repeated protests from me. So, while she felt like she was honoring and respecting someone who had done so much for her, I literally wanted to slash my wrists from the pain it seemed to inflict on my usually logical brain. You see, I don't get it, I have tried, I have examined every view point, and while certain things make sense to me and probably make sense to people who only view things two-dimensional, to me I don't get it. Why is God so unfair, cruel and unjust? Oh and please before you start to lecture me on how I know this isn't the case, and how much God loves me, stop....most people we have met, have at one point or another complained about how the "church" or " christians" have hurt them, how ministry has disappointed them, do you ever think that maybe it is because we all try to do things in "our" time, not in God's time? Not one person that has sworn their loyalty to seeing us complete healing, has managed to stay and see it to completion. It always turns into, it's taking too long, i need to find something to fulfill this new knowledge i have, i want to help more people than just you, whatever.... their is always something else. and not just me, lots of people in our sitution tell me the same thing. a few, three as of last count, have succeeded in killing themselves. but, i digress... the thing is on friday, i wanted to be happy, about the 15 minutes we were to see our dad. i really did! i went in with an agenda, to let as many pieces visit and see that he was not dead, and that he was happy. i came up and immediately went back down and shut the door. i fell to my knees and fought off the sickness i felt wrenching in my gut. the tears fell and hatred coursed through my veins. i didn't like how i felt or who i was at the moment, but it hurts and it hurts like no pain i know. i see seri, blindly waiting to be rescued from her "job" , i hear amanda asking me if i memember where her daddy went, i stand yelling at paige to let it go, that she is not being taken down from that tree, and her whimpering and pleading are making us all crazy, she will not listen, so every night, she waits, for him to lift her out of that tree. but the thing is, this stuff, i am used to, i have kept this body going for years and years, i have seen the worst of the worst, and covered up horrible secrets to continue on. the thing that sucked, that took my logical head and blended it in a blender, whipping into a frenzy my emotions, is that this time, this day, this birthday on a friday, i looked at dad, not logically, but as a ten year old, who is tired of trying, who has passed exhaustion and who longed for the strong arm around the shoulder, that i used to push away, i dreamed of that arm, divided by pillows and never looking in the direction of the love, i wanted it more than i have ever wanted anything in my life, and i realized that it would never be. i could not take back the hundreds of times i pushed that arm off. and i would never be given the chance to do it again. forevermore, i am stuck in limbo, with no relief from my conducting, no relief from the screaming and crying, no relief, no help, no love, nothing, this is it. once again, if i had only been able to persuade her that logically it was too good to be true, and that we shouldn't trust, shouldn't open up, shouldn't set ourselves up for the pain and abandonment. i didn't try hard enough, and now we all ache, pain to the very core, and it doesn't appear to be going away ever, this is it, and so happy birthday dad, i couldn't say it then, but, i wanted you to know. LEIA

life goes on

life goes on and on and these days it seems to be a little easier to take. i haven't written for awhile, on purpose, things got to a point that i needed to not be on the computer and so i haven't emailed much and haven't blogged either. long story short; my life got to a point where i couldn't take it anymore, things got drastic, i went as far as getting and filling out divorce papers, that was a huge wake up call for both dave and i, i realized that if i was willing to cause devastation to my kids and do something so severe that i was not in a good place, and dave had to really come to terms with how this marriage was progressing. so far i have not filed the papers with the courts, but have put them away for the time being, we have decided to take things on a day to day basis and that is much easier than having expectations that are too high. the one great thing that came from all of this is that dave and i have been doing some marriage tests or whatever they are called, and basically the only way they help is by being completely honest, which even though we both thought we had been doing, we realized that we have many areas in our lives that we don't say the very core issue that we feel, we say the nice thing that won't stir the pot. i learned more about my husband in a few hours of this than i have in years, his biggest regrets, his goals, his passions, where i have failed, where he has, how are parents affected the kind of spouse we are, it was so enlightening to me, to both of us. we learned how we deal with problems in the marriage, i tend to just take the marytr role and he plays the stupid card, those are not my terms, but from this marriage thing. i will say that things are not perfect, and they are still hard, but i feel like we are learning and now that we got to that boiling point, we aren't afraid of saying the wrong thing to make ourselves heard, we just want to be honest and even if it hurts it is working so much better! i am skeptical, and scared but i also want to pour myself into not just staying married, but doing it so that happiness and joy are there as well. the one area that is most evident is in the kids, he finally told me that he gets jealous of the time i spend with the kids and how much i do for them, i have tried to focus more on him when he gets home and he in turn has taken on a bigger role with the kids, so that situation is a win-win. i am moving forward cautiously, but hopeful. it is the hardest thing i have done, in a long long time. with a little setback last week, as all three kids and then finally myself got a horrid case of the stomach flu! it was horrible! dave managed to not get it, and i am still tired and worn down, but not puking. i am looking to making even more changes and learning and growing and trying to move ahead. this is a new beginning and i want to make sure that i put as much into this as i have into all the other areas in my life. i need to learn to ask for things correctly, to listen, and to be willing to put my kids needs or wants on the back burner if it interferes with my spouse. its a lot to tackle, but so far i am liking the results. now, if i could just figure out how to make the memories stop, i would be on top of the world!!!!