sometimes

sometimes, i lay awake at night and listen to my heart pounding in my chest.
sometimes, i hear the beating in my ears, sounding like pounding surf on the sand.
sometimes, it makes me smile, to know that i have survived and have a heartbeat.
sometimes, it makes me cry to know that it does still beat and i have to face another day.
sometimes, i let my mind go to the place where i used to feel safe and secure.
sometimes, i run from that place, because remembering it at all brings enormous pain.
sometimes, i think it is a gift to be alone, to not have anyone hanging over me.
sometimes, the lonliness of it threatens to strangle the breath inside of me.
sometimes, i look at my kids and think i have finally done something correct and good.
sometimes, i see them and wonder if i have done enough.
sometimes, i want to yell and scream and tell people that they should love me.
sometimes, i look in the mirror and understand why i am always abandoned.
sometimes, i want to go out in the morning and accomplish much.
sometimes, i want to lay in bed and cry and sleep through it.
sometimes, i want to figure out how to finish melding my brain together,
sometimes, i realize that it is as good as it is going to get.
sometimes, i want to run away, start from scratch, forget the present.
sometimes, i want to run away, start from scratch,
sometimes, i want to run away.
sometimes, i want to run
sometimes, i want to
sometimes, i want
sometimes, i

it's been awhile....

it's been awhile since i have sat down and tried to write something about my life and what is going on in it. i feel like maybe i just didn't want to write how bad things were on somedays, and then on other days i felt like my life had nothing that i would care to read about later on. but, a lot has happened the past month, and i find myself reeling from the hurried pace of my life right now. i am in a position of trying to find myself, to really feel comfortable with the person i am, to find my balance and place in this time and moment. i have amazing children who keep me running and going. i enjoy them so much at the stage they are in in their lives. zedekiah is finishing up his first year of junior high, and has grown so much this year, he has been a joy to talk with, all of a sudden he is capable of these conversations that are exciting and meaningful, and he is starting to think of his future more, he is trying to learn the guitar, for future use at calvin crest and school and church worship. he has found a spiritual leader at school, and i approve, though it scares me where that desire may take him, and how that could affect our relationship. but, i am so proud of him, he went way out of his comfort zone this year, running for student council, playing tennis, and having a few girlfriends. tynin, is almost out of the girl stage, having grown over two inches since christmas and her shoe size passes mine, she looks older and older each day, her grades are perfect, and she is learning to let go of destructive friendships, something that took me forever to learn, she is strong and beautiful, and for the first time ever, she is very cuddly with me, and wants to be around me more, it is a dream come true for a mother. callista is still a tiny little thing, and worrying about my ten year old weighing only 50 pounds has now been erased, she joined the track team at school and ran the 1500 race, and on saturday she went to the valley championship meet, outlasting all the other runners at her school, and she placed 7th out of 12 in the whole valley! if she wasn't healthy, she couldn't have achieved that, so i am officially done stressing about her gaining weight. she has blossomed in track, as it was her first thing that her siblings had not done before her, and it was nice for her to have that "first" feeling for once. i love my kids and they keep me young and happy. dave and i have been up and down and all around lately. not sure where we are headed, but i don't really want to talk about this now. i miss my friends, and some of the people that i consider my friends, i am rethinking, because i feel like i get hurt by them, they make fun of me and i feel too old to have to be subjected to that. i am looking for a change in my future, and that is weighing heavily on me, but i keep going. this past weekend i was in hermosa beach for the avp tournment, it was cold and fun, lots of drama with the other people that we went with, so today i am feeling exhausted and run down. this is the last week of school and i am so thrilled that i could do a jig. i am looking forward to seeing a bunch of movies and laying by the pool. plus camp, which is a little more stressful this year. but, that's what i have been doing, being a mom, running around and trying to figure out where to go next.