dear.....

Dear George, Cindy, Shannon, Beth, Katherine, Jordan, Susan, Karo, Bryan, Laura, Mel, Ginny, Jaime, Brad, Luke, Shannon R., Corrina, Sharon, Ron, Tony, Cory, Lyndsay, Kelli and please forgive me if i forgot anyone; I need to take a moment and express my gratitude for all of the time, and prayers and friendship that you have all offered me at some point on my journey. Each of you played a part in my healing process. Each of you brought a different point of view to how I viewed life, God, love and myself. I know that I was difficult, that I was moody and that at times I was stand-offish and bitchy. I was learning, every second of every time we spent together, I was learning. How to be, how to act, how to treat others, how to let others treat me, how to treat myself, and how to love God and others. I learned that I was a part of introducing some of you to others, and that now some of you have incredible bonds and friendships that far exceeded what I had with you, and that is great, I am grateful that awesome people that I trusted found other awesome people that I trusted and that bonds were made. I am not saying that I don't feel jealous sometimes, cause that would be a lie. But, a few years ago, I was incapable of feeling jealous, so that is a plus, to have that in my ever growing list of emotions. I saw many horrible things in my life, and still have to deal with the pain of those, each day brings about some sound or smell or sight that triggers that, in fact a few weeks ago, I actually met a guy whom I had hurt in my heyday. But, the thing that he said was; after showing me a scar on his arm that I made, that I scared him and he never ventured back. But, anyways; I did see some horrible things, but in our times together I saw beautiful things, and heard them and smelled them and sensed them. I felt safe, which I rarely do, I felt accepted, even though I kept my guard up, I felt joy and anticipation, I felt like I belonged somewhere. You all had a part of that. I have had a rough year this past year, and I do not know where my journey will go next, but tonight, I wanted to thank you all for what you gave to me, you made a difference, you obeyed God, you loved the unlovable parts of me, and I am forever grateful. I know that i blog a lot and it can come across as me placing blame for the prayer family ending, and i in no way intended for it to come across that way, I know that I made a huge decision, that was my fault, and although it hurts me at times, I know that I choose it. So, my apologies if I have ever offended any of you with my blogging. When I blog, I need to purge my thoughts, and I go nuts on the keyboard, I don't always think or proofread what i write, I just want it out of my head. I know that I have hurt some of you or perhaps all at one point or another, and I am truly sorry. I never meant to cause hurt to the very people that were trying to help me. I know that some or all of you could care less if you ever heard or saw me again, and I hope that you know that you still made an impact in my life, and I am sorry and hope that you can let go of any bitterness towards me. I know that some or all of you don't trust me and I apologize for that, I don't know if I could do anything about that since I have issues with trust and am very guarded and prickly. I do apologize if this makes you uncomfortable with me. I think that I have learned a great deal the past few years and am a better mother because of it. I wish you all a very full and blessed life, and I just wanted to say thank you for all you did to help me. You mean the world to me, and I blessed to have known you. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.

which end is up?

which end is up? which way to turn? which path to take? which bridge to burn?
where did all the safety go? where is all the love?
my head is splitting, by heart is shriveling up, my soul is trapped in a hole.
i know longer hope, or dream or wish or plan or think.
i only want it all to end, i only want an explanation, an answer to the hurt.
i know i can't continue on, the journey is too hard and long.
i know i needed help, i know for awhile i had it, and then just like they said,
loneliness again is my friend,
no one but me needs to complete this journey,
no one but me must feel the pain,
no one but me cares if i make it,
no one but me is tired of the shame,
still i thought i should try to keep going,
try to be whole and complete,
what i got for all my effort is
sorrow and defeat.
i have ruined the parts inside of me
that saved my very life,
have wounded them more than a dozen men did,
and that hurts me so badly, so deeply, so completely,
i wish i could take it all back,
and live in the oblivion i knew
they all had their jobs, their likes and projects,
and i screwed it all up.
they told me from the time i could walk
that they were going to be there for me,
that no one would believe me
no one would care
no one would stay or love me
my head believed them
just knew it was true
but my heart kept me hoping and dreaming
now my heart knows that my mind was smart
that it was right all along
it's not just the time as all christians say
that they can't be there all of the time
it is the fact that when the novelty wears off
or not enough progress is made
one by one they exit
a different excuse each time
they leave and swear that they aren't abandoning me
but really they already had
i leave them too
or try to
but each day
i remember
the cheese and olives so lovingly prepared
the way he hid my food at in n out
the socks and crayons wrapped like gold in my closest that only can be used at certain times
the sound of angels coming from the guitar
the way i felt when i saw a tear glisten in the darkness off of her cheek
the way that i felt every week
first terror, then nervous, then angry that i needed them so much, then so happy to hear them laugh and then safe and then peace
it is gone
my fault completely
i take the blame
i trusted too much
loved good people that were out of my league
i wanted to impress them
to include them as friends
to have them as a safety net
i didn't know how to act
i tried and failed
and now easter is here
i am scared, really, really scared
i don't know how to make it through this
and i have no fight left
no hope
no desire
i am tired
and i don't know if i can live
knowing that i am a failure
and can't be anything else
i don't know where to turn
where to look
ok, of course, god, don't send me stuff saying how god will fix everything
because he very specifically told me how to find healing
how to have memories
how to find him
how to love
and learn
and grow
i know to look to him
i did
and then i screwed it up
so now i have
this

my new injury

ok, so i have a new injury, it is so humiliating! we got a wii about a month ago, and i love that stupid thing, i have never been into video games at all, except the first year of marriage when dave and i pulled all-nighters playing golden axe on the sega genesis! but this wii thing is great, except for that my arms don't work for days after i play. i am quite accomplished at bowling, but after i couldn't brush my hair, i switched to boxing, which made me realize that i have many many muscles in my arms that have never ever been used, and would like to remain dormant. it is so addicting, but i need to be able to get food and drink and do some grooming, so i must take a break. if you ever want to experience this "fun" drop by, my kids are good at all of it and we have four controllers so that doubles tennis is a must. but, man.....my arms HURT!

callista is 10!

my baby, my last born, is in the double digits! i feel so old, and a little sad that it has gone so quickly. this weekend is birthday party extravaganza! she brings me so much joy! happy birthday callista!