as i sit here thinking

as i sit here thinking, i realize that i have some time to write. not that what i am going to write is in anyway positive or uplifting to my fellow man, but it does seem theraputic to my soul to get it out, so i am writing. this weekend was strange, went to my parents on thanksgiving, my mom is on oxygen fulltime and it is sad to see, she has always been like a gourmet chef, but this years meal was not up to her standards, that hurt me more than i thought it would. my ten year old nephew cried for almost two hours because he was told to put his shoes on, this created a lot of tension, then his parents screamed at each other in the back yard while david and i did the dishes and the kids were on a walk with my dad, then my dad got indigestion, which my mom kept saying was the first sign of a heart attack, then i got a migrane and decided to go home, the kids stayed and dave went back and got them, when he got home he decided to go to shannon's, i stayed home and watched survivor, around 10 pm, they called and persuaded me to go there too, i didn't want to go, but felt like i wanted to be with my family, an hour after i got there tynin threw up everywhere and i took her home, she threw up for a few hours and then fell asleep. in the morning, i got up and checked on her, she was perfectly fine, so i started packing for the family and cleaning the house, we were headed to cambria to see dave's mom and sister. the drive went smoothly, and we got there and ate a thanksgiving meal with his family and their friends, a lot different than with mine, because alcohol is served, and language is abused. dave's sister makes me crazy with her child rearing. i can barely stomach being around my niece, which is tragic! dave's mom got us a room at the cambria pines lodge, where his stepdad works, not just any room it was a two bedroom suite, two fireplaces, two bathrooms, a patio, plush, plush, plush, and she kept our kids at her house for the night, it had the kind of mattress that i have always wanted, that memory foam stuff, let me tell you, if i ever win the lottery, it will be my first purchase! i haven't slept that well in years and years. we stayed in the room until the last possible minute, and then went back to hang out, but his mom was pretty tired and urged us to go, so we left. we stopped for a bite in paso robles, and i almost killed us all on the freeway, it was really bad and scared us all. we made it home and i started cleaning and doing laundry, then shannon's kids came over, they had a party they had to go to. the kids were loud and hyper. i wasn't really in the mood for it, but it worked out ok. today, was a long day, mostly because there seems to be this huge chasm between dave and i and the bitterness he feels for me cannot fade even with a night at the pines in cambria. sometimes i swear that he hates me, that he looks for excuses to humiliate me. my main concern right now, is he has been drinking so much lately, to the point of puking. it used to happen, once or twice a year, maybe more on vacation, but lately he has gotten realy drunk every weekend and drinks every night. i know he is stressed, we are refinancing our home, his workload is doubled the next two weeks, and i hope that once that is straightened out he will stop the excessive drinking. i have spent a lot of time drying my tears today, it hasn't been good. i also want to say, in closing, i have jury duty tomorrow. welcome to my world.

giving thanks

most days i struggle with feelings, whether they be of desperation or of elation. feelings are something relatively new to me, so i am not always fond of them when they arise. i will say that i am learning to control and enjoy them more with each passing day. the past few months, most of the emotions that i have felt have no joy involved, abandonment, sadness, isolation, loneliness, depression, you get the picture. not always, some days i live life to the fullest and enjoy each tiny moment of bliss. some days the emotions are quite bland, and i rather enjoy the dullness they bring, no highs or lows. one thing that i have become very conscious of the past few months is that i need to be grateful, to my core for each piece of happiness that i receive so in honor of thanksgiving i decided i would publicly declare my appreciation for these things. so, here in no particular order are the thing i am most grateful of...........................
my husband, david, who works hard to pay the bills and lives life to the fullest, with excitement and challenges and an exhuberance for life.
my son, zedekiah, who is learning how to become a man, and who amazes me with his heart, his mind and his creativity
my daughter, tynin, who pushes herself to exceed in every area in her life, who is fiercely loyal to her friends, and who has challenged me as a mother to reach a higher level
my daughter, callista, who has taught me to laugh, who shines when she enters a room, who gives and gives with no thought of what is in it for her
to my niece, kennedy, who has touched a place in my heart that will always yearn for her, who showed me that one person can make a difference in a childs life, and that i had the strength to stand up for a child and to shower her with love and in return was loved and needed.
my best friend, shannon, who has taught me that i am good enough to hang out with normal people, who makes me laugh with a look, who always gets "it" and never makes me explain, who i call on the commercials of our favorite shows to throw our two-cents in, who understands how much a new haircut can change a womans perspective
my dad, george, who taught me to trust, to love, to just let go and believe that he wouldn't let me fall, who opened my heart to let others in, who i miss terribly and try to show my honor and respect to in his absence
to my prayer group, who has driven many a mile, and stayed up long hours to get me through some tough times, who took me out of my comfort zone, but allowed me to enter a safe place, who have become more like family than church people, and who i admire, revere and miss.
to my kids teachers who have pushed and guided and comforted and nurtured my kids when they were in their care, who have given each child of mine a different love for something new this year,
to my blue couch, who has endured endless nights with me, swallowed up many of my tears, and watched more episodes of csi than i care to mention
to my laptop, the one object that i don't think i could live without, you have checked the kids grades, kept tabs on old friends, written to new ones, you hold pictures on the ones i love, and make cds of my favorite songs, you have let me bid on frivolous items, and kept tabs on my finances, thanks.
to my calvin crest family camp friends, you give me a reason to go on, something to look forward to, you make me feel like i am capable of a higher level of friendship, you check in on us and pray, you have made this time in my life more memorable.
to my porch friends, you have shared many a smoke and drink and conversation, sometimes, deep though provoking other times, light and hiliarious. you have slowly become people that i care deeply for and look forward to seeing. i have pushed myself to become more normal in hopes of being able to fit into your circle, and i finally feel like i have.
to walt disney, you have made my whole life bearable by your parks, movies, shows, and creations. you restore lost childhood innocence to this woman, and you create memories with my children that i will remember always
i am tired now, and dont feel like this list is complete, i of course thank god for giving me this life, not everyday, sometimes i question why, but that is not today. i hope that everyone takes a moment to remember what brings them joy and to be grateful, if only for a time. tis the season to be thankful, and today i am.

finally, an update

finally, i have a minute to write an update. things have been pretty good since halloween ended. it is so strange to me how telling my kids certain things about my life has changed my relationship with them. tynin seems to have a new found respect for me. she even wrote a poem about me in class(i haven't read it, so i am projecting that it is a good thing). zed is ever changing his prayers to revolve around me. and callista just asks off the wall questions, about once a day. it seems like they have aged so much since then. it's weird. i have been so busy, it seems like i am on this path of making sure that i get busier and busier than the previous week. yesterday i left the house at 10:30am and didn't get home for twelve hours. i was just running and running. today i am worn out. i had a good friend, laura, give me this boundary book, thanks for that, and i think that i should write my own book, and call it being the best doormat alive. i cannot set or keep boundaries for anything. it makes me sad sometimes. i have been enjoying things, but still i have this depression that will all of a sudden rear up and take me out, it seems to happen a lot lately. i will be fine and then a wave hits me and i am crying and feeling like i have no way out. it sucks. things with dave are ok, not great. i struggle with how selfish he can be. little things hurt. if he is cold in the car he cranks the heater, but if i am cold, he will turn the heater off or worse open the window. that really irks me. i try to understand but again it escapes my thinking. i am hoping that by the holidays the depression will disappate if not it could be bad. i miss so many people and feel the void in my life from them being out of it. i am looking forward to next week as i dont have too many things to do. their is drama with the girls soccer team, we actually got disqualified and will not play the championship game. the girls are sad and i think it is horrid how adults ruin things for kids. i will try to do better on updating my blog. i rarely have a minute, but when i do i will try to write. miss you all!!!!!!!