the days and nights are blurring together

lately, my life has been on the highest of highs and then what seems like a moment later, the lowest of lows. i think that this may be the way my whole life has gone. and i also understand why in one moment my memories of childhood vascilate between happy and horrid. i know on a personal level why my mind has the ability to split. the past few days, i have been so crazy in the head. it all started innocently enough with a few couples playing games, then we started having the question game, like what is your favorite vacation, what is your favorite gift you ever received, what is the most joy besides weddings or births that your spouse has brought to you. you know fun questions, the things that make you smile. then more and more people left and it was down to two couples, things got heated for the other couple and i was scared, but the husband went to bed, and then it was dave and i and the wife. dave mentioned that he couldn't believe the blowup that occured, and then i said well at least they communicate and get it out in the open, and that it is hard to connect when you feel like stuff is being kept from you. the wife agreed, and said she knew for a fact that dave was withholding things from me. i demanded that he start being honest with me, even if it hurt. i said tell me all the things that you are keeping, he didn't, and then she said, ok, that's too hard, let him pick one thing and tell you that. she also told him that i might be hurt, that it might be harder for awhile but that in the end it would be better. so, the thing he picked is that i was fat. now, that sucks in itself, but the thing that got to me was for five years, i have asked and asked and begged and pleaded for him to tell me, and all of my friends and family and even my therapist told me, that if he was so obsessed with the way he looked, that there was no way that my weight didn't bother him, so i would tell dave that and he would swear that he didn't feel that way, and i would tell all of these people, no no dave doesn't feel that way. so when he said it, i felt so embarassed and stupid, and then i was hurt, because i felt betrayed and lied to. and then my sick mind kicked in and is so obsessed with excerising that i get out of bed every two hours to do crunches, and push ups and squats and i wake up feeling starving and making my mind not think about food. i didn't want to get to the point where i was psycho. now, i don't know how to turn it off. i am determined to lose weight, and hope to heaven that the pain doesn't take over my life. i am struggling the most with that part, the obscene amount of physical pain. but, i don't know how to get my mind wrapped around this. so, sorry that the last post sounded so drastic, but at that moment in my life, it was all-consuming. and hopefully by christmas i will be in a size 2. at least that would make dave happy.

fyi

fyi
the last post may have implied too much
dave did not cheat on me
dave did not leave me
dave just called me fat
not a huge deal to anyone but me
but it still hurts like hell.

why now?

why now?
why did you lie for so long?
i asked you straight to your face.
i demanded you tell me the truth.
i pleaded and begged
i cajoled and bartered,
i was honest with you,
brutally honest.
i spoke my mind, my heart, my spirit
you withheld yours
wrapped it tightly and put it away
you say you didn't want to hurt me,
you say you didn't mean to offend.
you say that it doesn't change anything
that you still feel the same way.
i feel like you haven't been honest for years
that everything you have said in this time frame
is bullshit.
i say that i feel so embarassed and ashamed
that i feel like an idiot
why now?
what am i supposed to do with the information.
how am i supposed to wake up tomorrow and be normal
how am i supposed to want to lay in the same bed with you.
how am i supposed to not despise myself.
you waited, you had every chance to be honest.
you waited and by doing so you hurt me to the core.
why now?
i thought my life was finally going to turn a corner
that i was on the track to a new beginning.
you smashed my confidence to the floor
you took away the hope that was barely flickering in my heart
you have stolen away the belief i had in us.
where do i begin,
from this very moment in time
my life is forever changed.
i have to fix this
to make it go away
i just wish that you could have been honest
when i was ready
why now?

summertime is here!

summertime is here, and that means a lot to me. no early mornings, no running around like a mad woman carpooling kids everywhere. it means a lot of swimming in a pool and hanging out with my best friend. this summer has brought about huge changes in my life. the first being that i am now a brunette, a really dark shade of brunette. i went from platinum blonde to deep dark brown. i am not sure i like it but everyone else raves about it, that it makes my eyes pop and that it makes me appear softer somehow. it is a strange thing. the next thing is that my two oldest kids are within two inches of being as tall as i am, tynin just keeps growing and growing, and is less than a half an inch from passing zed! i hope he grows soon! callista is still itsy bitsy, her weight is barely over fifty pounds, and i don't know if i should worry yet. the biggest personal change is that after trying and trying to pass my math test, i finally did and will enter the working field in august! yes, i am going to be working! the hours are great for me, 8am until 2:30 pm, so i can take my kids to school and still let them be in all of their activities. i am nervous and excited at the same time. and the money will help out a great deal. the next big item this summer, is that i got really serious with dave, really serious, i laid it out there, and tomorrow night he is starting counseling!!!! he called and made the appointment himself, which was a condition of mine. i am so hopeful that things in my life are turning around. i still have no prayer team, i tried to find people at our church, but it is too new and too scary for them to start without training, although some are looking into classes at kingdom ministries. i won't hold my breath. i figure god must want me to learn to be alone in my healing. i have begged him to stop the memories until i find help, but they kept on coming, so now i made a new one to just harbor the memories, so i can sleep. it isn't a good solution, but it is working for now, and someday the time will come and the opportunity will arise to finish what i started. i have been setting boundaries and when i know that i will be hurt or pushed too far, i steer clear, even if it means not seeing or being with people i care about. i am nervous for camp. i feel so alienated from everyone, and even the thought of seeing the thorntons or tony is gut wrenching to me now. i hope that i do see laura, but she will probably be in the hospital having a sweet bundle of love. i don't know who i am exactly right now, don't know where i fit in, or who my friends are or aren't, but i am trying to expand my mind, my heart, my confidence and my spirit. i am trying to do things for me, and not depending on others. so if i get hurt, i can only blame myself. i regard people in such high esteem, and the longer i am away from them, the higher i place them on the importance scale in my mind. you are all kings and queens to me. you have accomplished much in your lives, you have given much of your time, and loved much with your hearts. someday, i hope to regard myself, as that type of person. much love and blessings on you and your summers, missing you and thinking of you daily. loving you from afar, and wanting to better my life to prove to you that one person does make a difference, that lives can be changed and altered forever.