tales from the working mother

so, here it is the evening of the second day that i worked. i would have written last night, but i was so exhausted that i couldn't even eat dinner with my family. having a job is such a weird experience for me. i have already failed as a working mom, my son wanted to run for student body president, mainly he said because he wanted someone to win that would do the job, not just someone who was popular. so, i said sure, go for it son. i completly spaced it out this weekend with my new job jitters, and didn't make any posters or help him with anything. he told me sunday night, he didn't really want to run, since all his friends were telling him that they were voting for someone else. i took him to school and he said he was not going to do it, and when i picked him up, he had been talked into it by a friend, and was a little sad. i felt horrible! but by bed he was over it and not too disappointed. callista forgot her lunch today, and had to call grandma because i was at work. not that she cared since grandma brought her a rice bowl and i would have brought her a lunchable or something else nasty. but, it was hard, to feel like i wasn't available to the kids like i used to be. of course, i still have the homework, and sports and dance and church stuff as well as being employed now. and to be honest, i am so tired! i do like my job, it is very challenging and the teacher i am with is new to the program and so it is a learning experience each day, but, today was loads better than yesterday, and i think tomorrow may be better as well. the weird part of the whole thing, is i took this job for financially reasons only, when dave became a detective, our finances went in the toilet, and it was after two years of me asking him to work overtime for more money that i decided i needed to work, so i didn't have to stress anymore. so i took this job, and now all of a sudden he is working 30 HOURS of overtime THIS WEEK! i am a little hurt and a little confused, but, it's not like we won't spend the money! the weird thing is that we had a huge sitdown conversation about him pitching in more with the kids and house work, and now he is not even here to do anything, so it all falls back on me. but, one great thing is that the kids have stepped it up and are kicking tail on the help, tynin is cooking dinner a few times a week, callista took over laundry from tynin, zed is dishes and picking up the living room. they are helping with the grocery shopping, and being responsible for their own breakfasts and lunches. they are really growing fast and it is a joy to be around them. so far, they seem to like school. zed is the biggest change in attitude about school, he really enjoys his teachers and is trying to prove that he is responsible. tynin likes her teacher, it is his first year teaching and he is super young. i am not thrilled with the over two hours of homework she has each night. tynin is super super anal about school, and tries to get it all done at school so she has time to read and stuff. the second week of school and super student is swamped and i am not thrilled. callista is having the hardest time, she loves her teacher, but she has some bratty kids in her class that are pretty disruptive and she is sitting with two of them. and the school work is a little bit challenging for her this year. zed is in soccer and the girls are in cheer. the other things have not started yet, but soon, i know that i will be spending long days running around, trying to savor every second with my kids. i am struggling with lonliness and depression. i feel like i have no one to share things with, no one to cry with, to laugh with. these days, the pain of not being touched, of not being acknowledged is taking it's toll. lots of tears, but i am in a good place, moving on to another phase of my life. my work is hard but i do have fun students and some hilarious stories after only two days, soon i will start blogging about my life at school. hope you are all well. miss you so much!

another long night

here i sit; in front of my computer, my mind refusing to quiet itself so that i may sleep. sounds ring out around me, thoughts swirl through my mind and crash against the side of my brain and leave an aching pain in its wake. my mood for tonight would be melancholy. a bit of fondness, a dash of regret, a yearning for the familiar. a thought that i could do somewhat better if i started writing again, if i let some of the billions of thoughts in my head out, maybe that would make more room for new thoughts. i was wrong. of course, who comments, jaime and george. the two people that i crave spiritual guidance and advice from. the two people i long to sit and talk for hours with. to get back on the right course. the talk around our house the past few days, is moving to bakersfield. that whole thing is a long long story, and a sad and scary one. in a way, i wanted it, to start over, perhaps find someone to help me de-fragment. but each hour i was so disturbed over the prospect of moving that i started to get sick. i don't know what to do. some very close people to us may move, i can't imagine my life without them daily in it. is it enough to cause me to move, maybe. i hope and pray that i make a wise decision. i don't know how long it is going to take to heal from some of the pain i feel, it seems to me that it should be dissapating soon. but then it knocks the wind from me and sears that pain into the utmost forefront of my thinking. like today, i find a colored picture under my pillow, assuming it was a note from one of my children i pulled it out, this is what the note said............deer gsus wil i evr se mi dadde agin by paige. it made me shake. what you don't understand is that i feel like i have deeply hurt a little girl, and then i think about it and realize i am hurting myself. and didn't i go through enough as a child? i can't figure out how to fix this. is it unfixable? how will i ever let go of this broken child, when i keep inflicting more on her? i don't want to feel, i don't want to remember, and i want to sleep. really really want to sleep. i guess i will go try

life is taking a turn

ok, i know, i haven't blogged in awhile, or emailed, or called, or visited. all i can say is sorry, and is that really ever enough? my life is changing daily, and it is so overwhelming to me, that i feel like i have nothing left to give at the end of the day. first things first, i am still married, just barely at the moment, but have been given an extra burst of "sticking this out, for better or worse". i am still the mother to three kids, who are growing up so quickly and each and every day is a shocker to me when i am around them. the two huge new items in my life, are that i have a new dog, his name is smeagle and i haven't killed him yet, and he is a huge comfort and joy to me. really, having him around has given me a window of hope and love again. i will post pictures soon, right now my computer freezes up if i do anything so i cannot post them. the other major major thing that is happening, is i am going back into the workforce, as of the 20th of august. i passed the stupid math test and i got an interview and hired twenty minutes after the interview. i have been fingerprinted, tb tested, and filled out tax forms for the first time since leaving the occult. i am going to be an instructional aide for special ed adults. it is basically a life skills class, where they are taught, laundry, cooking, jobs, transportation and other skills needed to move to either a group home or apartment. i am looking forward to it, but truthfully i am so terrified that i am not sleeping well at all. this summer has brought about many painful painful emotions in me. dave and i have seperated a few times, for very short timespans. family camp turned out to be an awesome experience, we really learned a lot about the word, which builds me up and ignites a fire in dave. i got to see ryland walker, who is the second most beautiful newborn boy i have ever ever seen. his pureness and light frightened me and i was terrified to hold him for fear of contaiminating him. i cried and cried each time i would walk over to see him only to be so overcome with fear and self worth issues that i couldn't make myself knock on the door. i am embarassed, i am saddened and i am regretful. i also was very nervous and afraid of speaking to tony, who i consider a great sounding board, and who will always be a role model for my spiritual journey. just felt like a cloud of disgusting whatever was going to descend upon me and make me ruin those relationships as well. i couldn't even say goodbye to the cosbys or tony. then there is the mel thing, i got an email and a phone call, i wrote it on my calendar, was so excited to finally be with mel. and then i thought, i can't hurt mel, i cannot taint her enthusiasm, and her joy, it would be best to steer clear. same with the barkers. many nights, i have sat in my car watching their house, remembering, the peace i would feel there, and trying to remember the closeness. i am fucked up! i am at a place in my life, where new things are happening, where things could drastically change for me. and i realized the other day as i hugged my daughter, i feel so disconnected. and then it hit me, i am disconnecting. i am not well, and i am not whole. i cannot live with the pain, so i have started trying to "unlearn" emotions. i have not been a good friend, but in my mind, i am doing the best possible thing by staying away. i yearn for an end to this whole fragmented mind. have wandered how to stop it. i am not even sure that i am not 100 different parts again. time escapes me, money is missing, i am bruised and not explanation ever comes to me as to where they came from. i have failed everyone who ever tried to help me. i didn't finish the journey, i didn't get the freedom and wholeness i chased for so long. i didn't make it. i am so sorry to all that have put in time and love, and money and emotions. i didn't ever think that i would have screwed up so badly. i hope some day that you can find it in your hearts to forgive me, and i hope that someday you will help someone else and not be detoured by my failures. i don't know how else to say sorry. i don't know how else to make things right. i did make it to a point in my life that i never thought i would and that is at least something. if ever i make it to heaven i will ask why god wanted to ever let a failure like me be put into this world. i have come to the conclusion that i need this blog to be an outlet for me, i have been bottling up stuff and need to have the word vomit that writing brings to me. so, i will be throwing it all out there, and hoping that it will at least make me feel alive.