thanks leia!

ok, thank you leia! i just want to tell you publicly that i love you, and that i appreciate having you as part of the team again. i know that i am doing what god has wanted for me for a long time, and i understand the risk of being hurt, i am prepared if that ever does happen. but, i think that going into this i have been smarter and have protected myself and feel ready to try again, to be free. knowing that you will be writing notes, and giving advice and praying and directing the "system" like you do, makes everything seem so right. we make a good team, kid. and i do need you, and yes, if it is gods will that you and i become one, then i will be ready for that. thank you for this incredible gift! lets do this thing, to completion, to wholeness, i am ready, and i thank you for being ready too! love you!

ok this is leia and i have something to say

ok, so now i want to write. there are not too many times where i feel like i can learn anything new. that is not being cocky, its just that i have spent my lifetime trying to gain more and more knowledge. there are even fewer times when i will admit that i was wrong. but today, i am admitting that i was wrong. i was bitter, i was hurt and i was pissed as hell that i had put in so much work, only to have things that i couldn't control go so badly. i didn't just get mad, i hated god. the god who protected us, the god who loved us, the god who plucked us out of the darkness. i didn't understand. there was no place to find a suitable answer to what was happening, no person could tell me the whys and make it seem anywhere near ok. it just didn't make sense. i cursed god and his free will gifting. i shut down. i didn't care what debbie did to herself, and she managed to make some pretty significant mistakes, and i didn't run to fix them. i figured it was never going to get any better and she may as well self-destruct. i became hardened to any attempt to find peace or god. these past three weeks, debbie has found healing, i mean real healing, if any of you see her it is unmistakable. i just sat back, i told her that i was not interestied in going through the motions just to have to pick up the pieces when she got hurt again, i told her she was welcome to be up and to attempt whatever she liked, i didn't want to help. i kept a close watch on who and what i allowed to be up, after a few weeks, i did let paige up, i figured that would be the deal breaker, paige would throw a tantrum, and debbie would wake up and move on before the hurt got too much. but, paige, caved, she liked janice, and she was even bold enough to tell her that she didn't want to be hurt, she shared how bad it felt, she didn't even know janice, and my plan was quickly unraveling. so, i proceeded to allow a pretty harsh memory, thinking that for sure would end it, but she rose to the occasion, was gentle and calm and spoke truth and it was quick and completed, right down to finding jesus. i talked to janice, gave her the out, told her that debbie is hard to deal with, told her to get out while she could, and i figured she listened, i was preparing for the downfall that would come once debbie realized she was gone. she didn't leave, and not only that, but she was stern enough to tell debbie that she couldn't leave either because god had more healing for her, and she would miss out if she left. so, today, this morning, i am saying, i was wrong, about a lot of things, i was wrong to doubt, and wrong to be so bitter, i was wrong to try to keep debbie from healing, i was wrong to think that some little mountain girl could be at all effective in this process, i was wrong to think that god had given up on us, i was wrong, and i am truly sorry. so, now, i am back on board, i want to help and i want to have this end, i am even ready to meld into her, i want her to experience the happiness and freedom she has dreamed about her whole life. that is my goal, i want to help this end. and i want it to be glorious, i want her to feel every tiny emotion, and i want her to be able to sing and to worship and to take communion, because once she remembers everything, then she can start to forget and forge ahead with new and wondrous memories. so, i am back, and i am sorry for any bitterness i held towards you, i miss you, and i hope you can forgive me. and it would be great to see you again, but you better hurry, soon, i too may be gone, or at least not seperate.

ok third times a charm

yeah i am aware that this is my third post tonight. and yeah, i don't care, i need to vent or i feel like i will explode. so, this is my outlet and i need it and so this may or may not be my last posting of the night....

there are days when i tend to forget how horrible my life was, like i truly just live in the moment. they aren't very often, but they do occur. those are remarkable days. there are days when i want to shout very very loudly about my past, to let people know, how far i have come, how much god has done, and how powerful he is. there are times when it is so painful that people judge me, judge what they don't even know. there are times when i am so embarassed by the way i am. somedays, i really hate that i have a past, not like everyone else doesn't have a past, but i really hate mine. i hate the fact that i have had to endure so many painful things, and that because of my mind, now i have to remember them and relive them all over again. i hate that at any given moment, i could lose time, and be any age between infant and adult. i hate that i have seen such evil, and i hate that at times it is still enticing. i hate that i want to heal, and to do that makes people judge. i hate that nature was stolen from me when i was a child, and i hate that foods that look so appealing make me sick because that was taken from me too, i hate that i cannot take communion without remembering some horrible thing and throwing up. i hate that i find it so terribly difficult to trust and that was also taken from me. i hate that i miss the people who tortured me. i hate that it isn't acceptable in church settings for me to talk about my past, so i have to be selective in who i can talk to. i hate that in the face of judging i have to remain silent and just take it. i want to say, hey you don't know me, you don't know what god is doing in my life, you have no idea how amazing his love and power are. why can't it be over with already god, how much longer? i trust you completely, i guess i always have, but can this be the homestrech? can this be the end to what you began, i always waited and hoped for your goodness, i always believed you wanted me as your own, there are days when it is so difficult, and yet i always come back to the promise you made me when i was so small, and i probably always will. you have been faithful, and i have been obedient and patient. i love you and know without you i would probably be dead. i know, and i am sorry for getting bitter with your people, i am sorry for losing faith, i am sorry for wanting to escape the pain of judgement. i am so sorry for being so afraid of what people say, it would be most helpful if i could not see and hear things, that is so hard for me. i know we have been through this before, and that you have not released me from it, but could you think it over once more? i am so tired, and i am so full of thoughts that sleep doesn't want to come. please dearest father, let me sleep with peace, let me know you are always there to guide me, let me seek out your truth no matter what anyone says against me, let me awaken and feel pure and not toxic, let me learn to reject the things said against me that are so very false, let me know your love, and let me feel like i deserve it. let me continue to enjoy being alone, and not being fearful. i love you and i will praise you because as much as i hate my brain on most days, you made me this way, you gave me this ability, and i trust you. thank you for bringing me this far, thank you for your promise to complete what you started, and thank you for being amazing. venting over.....feeling somewhat better......tomorrows another day

im not trying to be bitter

the previous post sounds bitter and i apologize, i just am sick of being told that i am toxic and contaminated, that people seem to think that my soul intent in life is to ruin other christians lives, when they have no idea how wrong they are. so if it offended, i apologize, it was a rant at a hard moment in my day, i do feel those things, but i don't mean to hurt or offend. just confused about things right now. and i guess a little hurt. sorry, but not sorry enough to remove it, it is a reminder for me. that's all. nothing more, i just need to remember where my heart is.

why

did i ever tell you that christians are my favorite people?
did i ever tell you why?
they are always there to tell you how many ways to get to jesus,
how they know the "right" way.
how their god, doesn't approve of this
doesn't act like that.
how their god is so mighty,
but never open their eyes to see his power.
how their god heals the sick,
but discount healings of today.
how their god loves the sinner
but how they themselves can't see past the sin.
how their god cleanses people and makes them pure
but they are not accepting of people
how their god will do anything to love his people
as long as it fits in their schedules
and for sure if it isn't late at night.
i love that christians have all the cute sayings and stupid bumper stickers
but their actions will never replicate those.
i am in awe of the power of worship on the enemy,
but even more in awe that christians always have a time limit to praise
i love that church should be for the hurt and wounded,
but everyone only talks about their neighbors problems, not their own
why do christians feel like they are not christians if they have pain and fears?
if christians only knew that god loves them, that god doesn't have a time frame like they do, that god does heal, that god does love, that god adores the worship from his people, that god wants us to tell him our hurts and fears, and that he desires to heal us from them. that god is powerful, and he gives his authority to his own, but they choose to walk away from it or deny what is handed to them. why is it so hard to believe that what god said in his word, is the truth. why be a christian? what is the draw? to be shallow, to say hurtful things just because you don't understand? to put god not only in a box, but in a box, locked in the cellar. to be able to say that you went to "service" for an hour and worshipped god? god deserves worship all the time, not just an hour once a week, god deserves to know that we believe, that because he died for us the least we can do his show that complete kind of love. god deserves our trust, that even if things are weird or different doesn't mean that they are wrong or bad. god deserves to partner with us in times of hurt and pain. he wants to be there, and i believe that he wants us to be there for each other. i want to follow christ, to believe in god and all he has done for me, i just don't want the title of "christian" cuz if you ask me, they don't have a fucking clue.

i feel more hopeful today

yesterday was a bad day. nothing left to say about that, i figured that i was done with the joy and the hope. i was wrong. i just made the decision to fight for the things i want which is joy and hope. i had help, asked janice for prayer, and she being so obedient was kind enough to oblige. it isn't easy. i have so many walls and hurts and fears, but i really want to learn to not fear life. i want to live in fullness of laughter and peace. it seems to be a constant committment, it is something that i desperately want, that i love feeling. it has caused some weird problems, like my friends, like shannon, are not sure how to take me now that i smile and laugh and have a different outlook on life. they pull back, they feel awkward, they tend to not invite me over as often. normally, that would have destroyed me. i would have been taken out at the knees. but, this time i would rather be home alone, walking around with nothing to do, than to put myself in those situations. i am learning and growing and crying and laughing and it is hard, but it is so worth it. today started out so much better than yesterday, and so far it is continuing to be pretty ok, i still am having to choose not to listen to the old tapes and lies that i don't deserve to be happy, cuz i think that i do. i am looking forward to tomorrow and what it holds for me, i think it might be a really good day. let you know......

so many new things each and every day

ok, here goes a long drawn out post, mostly it will be long because so much is happening, but also because i might not be able to get the things out the way i want without being long-winded. i will try to start at the beginning of things, but just bear with me...ok, so i blogged about the time with mel and kelly, which let me say again was awesome, and then time went super fast and super slow all at the same time. friday night was the first time in three weeks that i even gave a thought to anyone from the coven. i just really hadn't thought about them, until i saw kincade outside of fridays, and he mouthed off to me. the weird thing is it didn't terrify me like it used to. it was just kinda annoying. then friday late night, was the first night i was alone in my house, and my new house the backyard is on a main street, so i am outside smoking and hear people talking to me, i normally would have shut down and been so submissive to them, just full of fear and feelings that i "had" to do what they say, and yet they knew i was alone, and there were 3 of them, and all they kept saying was that on saturday they were coming for me, and then it hit me that i was more vulnerable at that point and challenged them to just take me then, i mean i was alone, and there were 3 of them, they got frustrated and just left. i think i get it, if i release the fear and the obligation to god, then i have more power, and they look like puny little fools. it was a freeing moment. it made me feel like i would never be alone again. nice moment. oh, wait, i forgot to write about the therapist trip last week, let me go back. so, every morning when i wake up i remember roger, i mean the way he smelled, the way he looked, the way he sounded, all of it, and honestly it was really a comfort thing to me, i know it is stupid and how could i want to remember someone that hurt me so much, but i did, and didn't really share that too much because people have strong reactions every time his name is mentioned. but, about 10 days ago, i woke up and didn't remember, in fact i smelled...wait for it....nature! i thought it was weird but it didn't sink in until it happened four days in a row, i was forgetting roger, and it scared the hell out of me, so i called my shrink and he agreed to meet with me, in fact he took me to rogers grave, and told me that it was time to let go of him, to really let go, to not try to remember, even the good times i had with roger, to let myself grow away from what is still so familiar to me. it scares me, i feel a little lost without that first memory of the day of him, but i trust that what is happening to me is god's will. i have no other choice because i can't explain half of the things that are happening. so, now back to the weekend. saturday i got to spend the day with janice, and we had a great time. we went and saw batman, and ate and laughed, and laughed and laughed some more, we had intentional time of memory work, which she is a quick learner and has already earned leia's respect and paige's seal of approval, which is a huge deal. it was just an incredible time of healing. i am nervous because i had to tear down a lot of emotional baggage to get to a place where i could make myself vulnerable enough to trust someone to help me. it is so weird because it seems to go so easily, so smoothly, so completely, and once again, in case you have forgotten, it is a woman, and it is mostly me that is up. i am grateful that god is choosing this path for me, it is truly a blessing! that brings me to sunday, the morning was great, just an amazing time, i slept the best i had in like 2 years, didn't wake at all. by the afternoon, i was struggling, with old tapes, of doubt, and fear and rejection and abandonment, it sucked! i guess that once the devil finds your insecurities he just comes back there over and over, it pisses me off. i spent a good part of the day in bed crying and wanting to rebuild walls, i can say that it was the first time in over 3 weeks that i wasn't smiling for the biggest part of the day, i couldn't find a smile. i replayed the feelings of contamination and loss over and over, it was making me get to a point in my head where i didn't want to continue for fear of what might make it end too soon. gosh, i really despise fear! it took me out, but, i have bounced back, just barely but i have, as i write this i am once again, hopeful and have a smile on my face, it might not be as big, but it is for sure a smile. i have swallowed my pride and asked for prayer, i have stopped trying to rebuild the walls, i have made the decision to trust, i have asked forgiveness for doubting and trying to run from god and his will in my life, i have come to terms with the fact that i do not deserve sorrow and pain, that i deserve peace, hope and love. i hope to sleep tonight, and wake up with this new found, once again, hope. i have decided that hope is going to be my new word, my motto, or mantra, or whatever. hope with a dash of peace. because that is what i want to feel. it is what the waterfall makes me think of, a new cleansing, a new hope. i know this is bold, but if you ever think of me, say a prayer, not an elaborate thing, just that i will know hope and that i will embrace it. it would mean the world to me. thanks! and thanks for commenting, it is fun to reconnect even on a small level. i am thinking of taking a trip to washington to see the cosbys, if i can swing it. i hear that they have a great breakfast place up there, and it would be a blast to see baby ryland. and they are one of the few people i have yet to see. blessings on you my sweet friends, thanks for stopping by my blog and reading this ridiculously long post. love ya!

i got to hang out with mel and kelly!

ok, so just got back from hanging out with mel and kelly! so great! i have been anxiously awaiting this meeting. we met and talked and talked and it was amazing to spend time with them. i am very excited to be in this place in life where it brings me joy to have fellowship with other women. i never in my wildest dreams thought this possible. but, not only is it happening, it makes me so happy to be with them. god, has been doing such weird things, like since i have begun receiving prayer again, i have seen, jaime, george, corey, lindsay, mel, and kelly. if the cosbys show up i will drop dead of surprise, not really...i am almost expecting it. i also heard that my beloved susan is moving back. that would be an amazing time for me, to have her in my life right now. i miss her so. things are going well still, i am still smiling a lot, and now my face seems to not ache from it, which i am glad about, because it means i am getting used to it. i also think that i am about to receive many wrinkles, from laughing. i am pretty wrinkle-free for being almost 40, but i realized it is because i do not smile that often, so i may age a whole lot really soon, which i am so ok with. the past few days i got to spend at calvin crest, dave helped with a rock climbing camp, so the kids and i hung out in the lodge and down in sherwood a little. amazing things are happening to me, i still have no pain in my knee! janice took me to a waterfall, which was one of the most beautiful things that i have ever seen. i walked across a log! and wednesday night, went down to sherwood and prayed and worshipped for a long time, and when i looked up, i saw a whole whole bunch of stars and no moon! i thought that janice had prayed it away, i really did, and then she told me that sometimes the moon doesn't make it over the trees, and they call it a moonless forest. i was so stunned. i even saw a falling star, which caused me to laugh and cry. so amazing. i am starting to like the nature more and more, i feel like there are so many things that are being restored in my life. beauty in nature is one of them. i keep thinking that soon this will end, but it doesn't, i think part of that is me making the choices and being obedient to stay in this place. i am looking forward to seeing jaime again when she returns from the beach. and tomorrow, i get to go out in nature again with janice, maybe find a bigger waterfall! today was a great day! a really awesome day! and oh my gosh! little naomi pina is the cutest thing ever! sweet sweet baby. wish i could hold her someday!

its a new day!

my life has been flipped over and over again. these past two weeks, have felt like an entire lifetime! i am stunned everyday at the changes that i am seeing in my life. i have never smiled this much ever! i walk around singing, and i laugh and i hug people, and it brings me joy and not pain. i feel like a weight has been removed from my body, i feel light and free and happy. i enjoy being around people, and smile when they are near. saturday, i had "my sherwood kids" over to hang out, and they filled my home and my heart with joy and laughter. they brighten my soul and i am forever grateful for my week in "the nature" when i got to be blessed by them. and then of course there is janice, oh the things that she is teaching me! she is so patient and gentle and kind and loving. i feel like fear is not ruling my life. on saturday, there was a full moon, and i usually tend to stare a bit at that moon, but this past saturday, not even once did i glance at it. i was not even aware that this occured until the morning, when i realized that it was sunday, and that i had made it through saturday night. janice has taught me to laugh, and to be bold, to be intentional in prayer, to love, and to live. i am so grateful to god, that he waited for me to be ready, and that he then provided a person to fit my needs. it is a new day, a new beginning, and a new life. oh....i get to see mel and kelly on friday! and i cannot wait to give mel a hug and see her and talk with her and be with her. i am most excited to renew friendships with people that have brought me this far in my journey, but to be able to really connect with them, to love them like they had loved me for so long. friday should be awesome!

HOPE!

hope has returned to my life! i am smiling, and full of joy, i am intentionally worshipping God, i am doing things i never in my wildest dreams thought possible. it is scary and terrifying and so awesome, i am going for it, trying to find freedom and complete wholeness. please pray that i can find it. and pray that i learn to trust freely again, without fear of pain. miss ya all.