you don't get much cuter than this!

my daughter the rock star!

tonight is a little sad for me. i struggle with feeling like i am really not important to my spouse except for the one "spousal" duty. i am trying to learn new things, to see how i have maybe jumped to conclusions and set him up to fail before he even started, i am trying to grow, to change my attitude, to accept that some of the problem lies with my insecurities and not all his actions. i am trying! but tonight, it feels like i am once again invisible. tomorrow brings about a day of rock climbing for him, with someone he has never met, which scares me a bit, i don't think i could trust my very life to a total stranger! for him it is never about just the hours he climbs, it takes all kinds of prep time, it takes the full day before, the day he climbs and the day after to recover. i feel left behind. for my birthday this past year, he gave me the gift of painting my bathroom, it is now 5 months later and it isn't done, for christmas this past year, i got him some rock climbing holds to build a climbing wall in our garage, it is a fourth of the way finished. i feel unimportant. fridays are date days, yet in a year and a half, only 7 times have we had a date on a friday. i feel unlovable. i am trying so very hard to be open, to trust and to have more confidence in my relationship, yet tonight i am sad, i feel invisible, unlovable, unworthy, rejected and lonely. i am trying.

what did i do?!

the other night, i opened up and shared, really shared, i felt like i wasn't making any sense, i felt like i was spinning further out of control, i felt like i sounded crazy and that everyone finally knew how psycho i really was, i felt betrayed, and alone and abandoned at times, a few minutes later i felt safe and loved and protected, a few minutes later i dealt with the "flight or fight" mentality that has kept me crazy all these years. i wanted help, i needed it to be these people, still trying to figure that one out, but i really did need for these people to be the ones. i have learned a lot from them, their vulnerability, their sadness and hurts, their joys and laughter, their commitment to jobs and lives that few would trade them for, they are all outstanding people. i sometimes feel intimidated by them, sometimes feel superior to them, sometimes can't wait for the night to be over, sometimes don't want it to end. they mean a lot to me. and i want them in my life, i need to work on not shutting them out, on going to the next level, of opening up and letting them be in my whole life. i am scared, scared that i said too much, or the wrong thing, or hurt someones feelings, scared that i can't do what needs to be done, but today, i feel like they are my friends, they even said i was, and that i am theirs. that is enough right now, it will suffice to get me through to the next time. i hope i don't screw this up!

will i ever be wanted?

somedays i wonder, if i will ever be wanted? i seem to be very easy to toss to one side and to be forgotten. even in parental relationships, marital relationships, friendships, i seem to be unimportant, always the one to be dropped. i think this all stems back to being adopted, it is hard to wrap your mindset around someone not wanting a sweet innocent newborn baby, all my life i have been plagued with a question of "what did i do, to make my own mother not want me"? especially after having my own kids, i could not fathom someone just walking away from their child. i was sure it had to be something i did or didn't do. my whole life i have kept people at arms length, never letting people too close or telling them too much, afraid of the rejection, the abandonment, the shame of being "forgotten" again. i became an adult, had children and wanted to be a better example to them of a healthy individual, so i tried and tried to knock down my barriers, to let myself trust to let people in, and to be honest, it felt so good, to look at someone and tell them everything that was on my mind and heart, to have them not shy away, to not reject me. i feel like such a fool, now. i broke my own rules, i lost at my own game, because they did reject me, made me feel like dirt, unworthy, unlovable, all of it, and this time, it hurt far more than i thought it ever could. i was surprised at the amount of pain i feel. like a part of me has died and shriveled up. it feels awful! i can't find my direction anymore, i don't know which way to turn, the people who i would normally go to, i cannot, they can't be there for me anymore. i am so confused. so hurt, so scared that i may actually never let another soul in, for this pain feels like death, and i would never willingly walk back into this. i'll let you know if i make it through this one.

Dave and I on New Years Eve

to have to hide who we are
to be ashamed,
or just to feel like we must pretend
to be someone we really aren't
is it a sin to be exactly the way we are
and if it is not
why do we need the "act"
the "showiness" of being something we aren't
why even with our closest mates
do we hide
wear a mask that makes us look
'like everyone else thinks we should
but not how we really are
are we not ok
if everyone could just be
real
for even just a day
what a difference
it would make it our lives

i have decided to start blogging on my own site, instead of the group one i had been on, it started to feel like i was an uninvited houseguest, like i was blogging too many deep things instead of lighthearted fare. my life has taken a huge turn recently, i have been handed many a blow by simple things that have knocked the wind out of me. the people i felt the closest to, seem like strangers, like people i can't trust, they mean the world to me, yet i find that i cannot be honest with them about my pain, and they in turn don't come to me with theirs. i miss the closeness that was once shared, the vulnerablity, the kindred spirits, now it is about masking the people we really are, about not admitting our weaknesses, our hurts, our fears, i am scared, because it took me a long time to trust, to appear weak and out of control, to be the "real" me, now i feel like i must pretend again, to smile through the pain, to push aside the fears, to never speak of the reality that is my life. i am moving into a new stage of my life, it scares the shit out of me! i don't want to start over, i was happy with where things were going, and then it got cut off, so hang on tight, here we go again!