i think i am starting to understand

i think i am starting to understand what may be triggering my "descent". today, was a good day, my husband came home, the baby was great, the kids were helpful, the house is clean, the laundry is done, and we had pizza for dinner. it was only after feeling my security was in place that i tried to reflect on why i am so down. for one thing, i feel like i "should" be able to handle everything that is going on in my life, and feel like such a complete failure that i can't. that is really weighing on me. also, i feel like a part of "me" is returning, the part that let's people take advantage of me, that never says no, that pushes past the limits of everything, the one that says " i don't deserve to be treated with respect, dignity, love, and acceptance" and the one that justifies the rejection that others dish out, because that is what i feel i deserve. i don't like that person, i didn't like her back in the day, and i don't like her now. it feels like i am getting a glimpse of why i "left" for so many years. i just couldn't take it anymore. i feel like a child who has been given a task that is impossible for them to complete, and yet they try until they fall apart and ask for a release from the task. that is me right now, i feel so small, insignificant, unworthy, unlovable, unlikable for that matter, and yet, i am the one people come to when it is too much for them to bear. i don't know how to break the cycle of this downward cycle, i don't know how to change myself, when it seems i am perfectly likable when i am needed, what do i need to do differently? i want to stop the hurting i feel, i want to enjoy the joy that surrounds me, i want more than anything to be accepted, to be wanted and to be loved. is that too much to ask?

i feel myself losing it

i feel myself losing it. it is a weird sensation. all my life i have suffered from depression, some people say with the life i have lived it only makes sense, others say it is chemical imbalance, others say get prayer, and some say snap out of it. and for the most part, it is just something that appears and it takes some time for me to notice that it is upon me, this time, i feel it creeping up, surrounding me, overtaking me, and i am terrified that i will not be able to stop it. i have a lot on my plate right now, and things are changing quickly. i feel like i should be able to handle the things i am going through right now, and yet, i can't. i need to stop this from consuming me, before it gets out of my control. i have been so weepy and can't figure out why little things bring me to tears. it is so frustrating. i get really angry and find myself seething for no apparent reason, and please spare me the "oh it's only pms" routine, i don't have those parts anymore, and i know the difference. i also am so exhausted and find daily life either great or horrid, depending on the minute. i can be enjoying the day and then snap i start to cry and think that i have no future and no life right now. i can be so angry and then all of a sudden i feel an overwhelming sense of love and affection towards my husband. mostly i just want to hide in my bedroom and just sleep, and not be bothered by anyone, ever. i find that i am shying away from my friends, especially if i feel hurt by them, and don't want to expend any energy into making them notice me, which isolates me even more which perpetuates the cycle. i feel like i am disappearing and no one can stop it, they may see that i seem different, yet no one can help. i have prayed and prayed and begged for some relief from this emotional vomit i am experiencing and i still don't feel any better. it gets so hard some days. today is one of those days, it is so hard, so very hard and i can't seem to get myself free. please let tomorrow be better!

my childhood was stolen and now my adulthood is lost

i feel like i have been robbed! again! my childhood was no picnic, neither was adolescence, and now i feel like my adulthood has been taken as well. i waited a long time to feel like i was grown up, and responsible, and secure in life. it hasn't been easy. i have enjoyed raising my kids, doing the things a mom does to make sure that they have fond memories of childhood, i have had ups and downs with marriage, though i love my husband more each passing day despite his faults and my hang-ups, i have repaired the relationship with my parents, i have developed new and lasting friendships with people, and it seems to be slipping through my fingers. when we took in kennedy, it felt scary, but i knew it was the right thing to do, i still feel that way, but with each passing day, i feel more and more trapped, more and more confined, and more and more unsure of who i am or what i am doing. she blesses me so much, with her funny little way of saying things, or her spontaneous kisses on my cheek, or the way she talks to her animals while she plays, she is a joy, who has been unfairly handed a raw deal in life, she didn't choose for things to turn out this way, she didn't want her mom to screw up and for her dad to walk out, she is just a happy go lucky child who deserves a chance. i cannot expect my children to know the meaning of sacrifice or "doing unto others" if i don't show them when the opportunity arises. i wouldn't take back my offer or ask her to leave for any reason. yet, my life has changed drastically, i really honestly truly didn't think it would be this different! i forgot how much i valued my "alone" time while the kids were in school, i forgot that cleaning house with a toddler is a myth, i forgot that my bath times are no longer a private affair, i forgot that barney does rattle the nerves after a few hundred times, i forgot how much my kids have grown and how i like not having to get them a drink or feed them when they get hungry or thirsty, i forgot how much i liked sleep and naps, and most of all i forgot that if you go out in the garage to change the laundry, take a spare key or at least a phone, because to a two year old it is "fun" to lock a grownup outside. and forget the outings to friends on friday nights, it isn't cool to have a baby, and have to feed her and change her and watch her, while the older kids are capable of playing with their friends for at least 4 hours without supervision or food. exercising, forget, not with a baby , and the topper, she sleeps with me and my husband, so....thats self-explanetory. i miss the independence i was just started to feel, i miss the quiet and the cleanliness that my house was started to have, i miss being an adult, with friends, with a date night, with all of it. i love kennedy, dearly, i just miss me!

the forgotten friend

i have come to realize in the past few weeks, that i am the forgotten friend. i am not playing the victim card or trying to come across as a martyr, it is just simply the truth. i have had a rough life, it seems that would be putting it mildly, yet, i have always prided myself on being the friend that people could depend on. whether it was interupting my honeymoon with news of an unplanned pregnancy, asking for help with a drinking problem, eloping in my backyard, or simply shopping for that perfect birthday or christmas present, or cheering up a friend with a severe case of pms, i have always been the "go-to" friend, i will drop most anything to be there for another person i care for, i have even been known to do it for someone i hardly know. yet, i have discovered that i am the forgotten friend, when my life is in shambles, or i am needy or just out of sorts, my closest friends play the disappearing act. my calls get screened, my messages go unanswered, my friends no longer want to hang out, my emails get sent to the deleted thing unopened. a few years ago, when i noticed this pattern, of me putting so much effort into letting others know how much i value and love our friendship, only to see it go unreciprocated when the tables turned, i thought i was paranoid. but, still to this day, i become invisible, at least until the next time "they" need a "friend".

the ideal life?!

i want to have boundaries,
i think,
of any sort.
i want to feel like i control my own life,
my destiny.
i want to feel like i can say no
without the world crashing down around me.
i want to feel like there are enough hours in a day
to actually accomplish something.
i want to have the freedom
to have down time with friends.
i want to wake up rested
and go to bed tired but not spent.
i want to feel in control and not
like a lunatic running blindly around
piecing my life together.
i want to feel like i am a complete person
not millions of tiny fragments jumbled up.
i want to have balance in my life,
to be a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend
and have those roles co-exsist in harmony.
i want to feel complete joy
at the small things in my life
i want permission to cry and to hurt
when the day seems like it will never end.
i want someone to be there to comfort me,
not with conditions or timeframes involved.
i want to be able to see people who are long distances or short, for that matter
whenever i want to.
i want to look in the mirror and smile at the person i see.
i want to learn spanish.
i want to finish my book.
i want to eat bacon and eggs at midnight, in denny's in my pajamas and slippers
i want to find a job that i can actually do, that occurs between
10pm and 7am.
i want to pick a new extended family
and replace them with my friends.
i want to secretly trip the little girl that teases my daughter at school.
i want to stop time and rewind to quiet close moments with my kids.
i want to live at disneyland,
i want to forget everything before 1991.
i want to take away the pain i see in my loved ones.
i want to watch my favorite movies in a real theater just one more time, even wizard of oz.
i want to always love potato skins.
i want to sit in my spa.
i want to look back and know that i did the best i could.
now,
i want to go to sleep
and dream of all the things
that i want,
it may be as close as i get!

it's a girl!

where do i begin!?

where do i begin!? today has been such a roller coaster of events... i still feel a bit numb. the day started out with my being awoken to sounds of my daugher crying, you see, we had my niece overnight and she had grabbed the prized possesion of my daughter, that she had just purchased on friday with her own savings, a videonow, which is basically a cheap version of a portable dvd player, only you have to buy their dvd's to play on it, back to the story, my niece snatched it up and flung it in the toilet. my daughter was devastated. i stumbled out of bed, and tried to reprimand my niece, comfort my daughter and clean up the mess, it was a disaster. i told my daughter i would replace it after we took the baby home, so we loaded up the car, took the baby to her house and waited, noone was home, finally my mother-in-law shows up and asks where the baby's mother is, i say i don't know she was supposed to meet me there, i stay for a little while, my father-in-law and his brother return from their bike ride and i say my good-byes and start to leave, as i am backing up i noticed the three adults waving their arms and screaming at me, at this point i look in the rearview mirror and realize i was literally inches from totaling my uncle-in-laws brand new corvette! i felt so stupid for doing that, but i was tired. no excuse though. my daughter and i have a great time shopping and eating lunch, although we went to the cheesecake factory, which had only passion fruit iced tea, strike one, no childrens menu, strike two and the fries don't come with most meals, strike three. we are driving to our last stop of the day when the cell phone rings and my mother-in-law tells me that they have just kicked out the baby's mom, but that they were keeping the baby. turns out after i left and she got home they were reprimanding her for not being there when i got there with kennedy, when there was a knock on the door and six cops were at the front and back doors and came into the house, searching it from top to bottom, they woke kennedy up from her nap and it was then that they discovered that her mother had been seen with a wanted man hours earlier, and then she admitted to going back to the meth, furious they threw her out of the house and made her sign the pinkslip over to her car. i knew that something like this might occur so it wasn't a huge surprise, however, a few hours later i get another call, this time my mother-in-law is hysterical and tells me that kari is taking kennedy and moving to sacramento tomorrow. now you have to understand, we have had that baby in our lives since the beginning, most weekends, and the kids are so attached to her it isn't funny. i tell dave and we decide to tell the kids. we call them in and as soon as i say the words, tynin collapses to the floor and they are all crying, sobbing, writhing around like they are in pain, it was the most painful thing that i as a mother have witnessed in my children. i started to bawl, i as a mother could not take away this pain or make it better, all the stuff moms are supposed to be able to do. it is decided that the in-laws will bring the baby by to say good-bye, the kids start finding stuff to give her so that she will remember them, it is so awful, i can hardly breathe. they get here and everyone is crying, except the baby, who has no idea and keeps asking why we are sad. it is heartwrenching as the kids keep running in the other room to bawl. after about an half and hour the phone rings and kari wants to come over. she gets here, sees her daughter playing with the kids and all of us crying, and runs outside, i follow her and we talk, long story short, she agrees to give me the baby while she gets her life together and finishes school if i can get the in-laws to give her car back. she also wants to be there when i tell the kids that kennedy is moving in with us. it was the lowest of the lows followed by the highest of the highs. they were thrilled! i am a little nervous, we have three kids already and not much room, the finances are tight, we were used to having the freedom of older kids and now we are going to be raising a toddler, and we need to be supportive of kari and help her get clean again. it is going to be interesting the next few months! after they left and we got the kids to sleep, my father-in-law called and started crying, he is very unemotional and we are not very close, but he tells me that he is forever indebted to me and that he thinks that i am amazing at what i did and how i handled everything and that they will help us financially with the baby. it is also at this point that i am informed that the baby's dad had sent the cops out a second time to get kennedy because he didn't want his mom to have her. bad story there. but he had signed off on the custody so he had no rights, they told me that tomorrow they will get me a copy of the custody papers in case he tries to have the cops come get kennedy from me. he is a major druggie and i am hoping and praying that he won't cause problems. so this is my day. i am exhausted and tomorrow begins a few months of our new family. please pray, i need energy, strength, compassion and patience, god came through tonight, we had told the kids that it wasn't what we wanted but god's will that we needed to ask for, when they were hysterical, they were so happy that god's will included them! and the best thing, at bedtime they said "mom, you did make it better, you said you couldn't make this better and you did, thank you!" tonight i became a hero in my kids eyes, just for doing the right thing. it felt great!