today i want to start a new page

today i want to start a new page in my life. i want to have confidence, and happiness and joy in the things in my life that are good and healthy. like my kids and my friends. i want to be able to notice all the positive things going on around me and let go of the yucky ones. i want to clean my house today, maybe it will help. i want to take my kids to their dentists appt. and not have any cavities, but if they do, not to stress about it. i want to watch tynin at dance class and not compare myself to the other moms. i want to make a great dinner and sit around with my family doing "highs and lows" and just enjoying each other. i want to add more weight to my barbell when i lift tonight and not be sore. i want to not fear the friends that i have and feel like they are keeping things from me. i want to eat what i want for just a day and not gain a pound. i want to not change a dirty diaper today. i want to walk to the mailbox and get a check for tons of money from a longlost relative in zimbabwe. i want to not feel tired and not act that way either. i want to play a board game with my kids and not care who wins. but, i do want to play yahtzee with dave and kick his behind. i want the bag of m&m's to refill itself so when the kids ask if they can have some i won't feel like i only had two. i want the dishes to load themselves into the dishwasher and start. i want to be happy today. that is why i posted pix of my favorite things in the world, to remind myself that i have great things in my life, and to dwell on those.

this is where you'll find me

this is where we spend most of our days, swimming and playing in shannon's pool. note the semi-circle, it is only 18 inches deep there and perfect for kennedy, or laying out with the lounge chairs. the kids love it and we should all be pretty brown by summers end.

zed doing science

zed doing his science project, it was the only recent pic i had. he is my little man, and he loves his mama.

tynin getting an award

tynin with her teacher and principal getting another award. she was so happy this day.

callista in oz

this is Callista in her wizard of oz play, she is so adorable!

i have lost touch with reality

i have lost touch with reality
i no longer recgonize what
is real and what is not
my husbands favorite game of late
is to make me feel like i have lost my mind
and somewhere along the way
he won the game
i no longer feel like i am living
i feel has if i am living in a movie
and my script says
pyscho wife: debbie
and i hope and pray that i come out ok
by the end
but deep down i know
that i don't
that i come out looking just
like he portrays me to be
a nut job
he says things to me
and then when it comes up again
he swears he didn't
my friends look at me with pity
like they are thinking
poor thing, she is losing her mind
but that isn't the case
at least i didn't think it was
but now i am not so sure
i am a hopeless case
trapped in a hopeless situation
there are moments of joy
of harmony
of happiness
yet i think i have crossed over
into full blown mental illness
or alzheimers
because i cannot seem to remember
a damn thing that my husband says to me
i look like a fool
i feel like an idiot
and somehow
i have ended up alone again
my friends
i don't hear from
i don't see them
maybe it is too painful for them to tell me
that i am sick and mentally deficient
i find that i can no longer continue
no longer try
because at the end of the day
it doesn't really matter

trying to live, wanting to die

trying to live,
wanting to die,
searching for meaning,
coming up empty,
the insanity that i feared
is closing in around me
i taste the bitterness
of mental illness
with every breath i take
feeling broken
feeling repressed
feeling the heaviness in my heart
that says
you cant go on
you have nothing left to hold on to
feelings of despair
nothing new to me
feelings of hopelessness
been there too
the prospect of life
just out of my grasp
the overwhelming comfort of death
has become an hourly visit
the emptiness and hollowness
that reside in my heart
make me question
what part of me
makes me so despicable
so unnatural to be around
why can i not have people
in my life that are true
that can feel my pain
just by looking into my eyes
that can hear the hurt
just by the sound of my voice
that can know the seriousness
of my disease
i cannot reach out
there is no one there to reach for
i cannot cry out
there is no one there to hear me
i cannot
i cannot
i cannot
the pain envelops me now
the time has come for this to end
why pretend anymore
the pain is just too great
they say life goes on
and herein lies the problem

little girl lost

little girl lost
wandering aimlessly
searching,
longing,
yearning,
aching
for that place to belong
for that security of acceptance
for the peacefulness of togetherness
little girl
with huge pain
is she a little girl with huge pain
or huge pain with a little girl
the lines of the pain and of the person
are blurred
the pain is numbing and at times
the little girl can laugh
can trust
can love
can hope
but sometimes the pain sears through everything else
burning and writhing into the core
making it impossible to feel anything
but the pain
little girl damaged
tainted, spoiled
untouchable
unloveable
unnoticable
her mouth is agape
a primal scream
is never heard
a wall of tears is built
that will never fall
damaged beyond acceptable
damaged and discarded
little girl wanting
she grew up
she learned
she experienced
and now
she is again
that little girl
lost
full of pain
damaged

tears falling like the rain

lately, i seem to cry at the drop of a hat; maybe i am making up for years of repressing my tears, my pain and internalizing it. i don't know, but most times, i can deal with it, i don't like it, but i can cry a little and move on. last night, however; was not one of these times, i cried for over five hours, and i mean the sickening blubbering type, curled up in the fetal position, snot everywhere, eyes burning, and noisy. i couldn't stop, i tried, and i tried, and i was so upset that i couldn't stop that it made me cry harder. now, normally i have had a fight, or some emotional upset that makes me cry, this time it was a stupid television show. and it was one of my favorite shows, i know how stupid that sounds, and believe me while i was blubbering i was cursing that stupid television show. it was a surreal moment, there on the television, was a woman who was experiencing the same emotions that i had been dealing with lately. basically, her husband made her feel the same things that my husband makes me feel, and up until that very moment, i couldn't think of a way to describe it, and then BAM, there it was, in black and white, well...actually technicolor, but you understand, and it rocked me to the core. i am not an emotional television or movie watcher, i don't cry ever in movies, i think that there maybe two or three in my lifetime that have made me even tear up. and here i was taken to my very core of pain, from a tv show. ridiculous!!! i felt so small, so insignificant, so useless in that moment, that one look, it took me out. all day long i have tried to recover, stinging burning eyes, headache, exhausted from not sleeping, and trying to get it all together, to be a mom, to get the things done that needed doing, feigning happiness in the face of my husband who is trying and came home for lunch. the whole time he was home i felt that lump in my throat, the tears pushing up against the dam, ready to fall. every second he was home i was fighting it, not wanting to think about it again, not sure if i could ever forget. i am feeling numb, so unsure of what or who i am, wanting to run, wanting to hide, wanting to be alone, wanting to be surrounded by people. what the hell is wrong with me?! how much longer can this last? i hope that the worst is over......so much for my happy blogs!

i haven't written for awhile... i guess i felt like it was just going from bad to worse and i am pretty sure that it was a bummer to read. my life holds so many twists and turns, so many little detours. i feel like i haven't had a choice in a whole lot of things lately, not with my healing, not with my finances, not with my time, not with issues relating to god. i just feel like a mouse in one of those mouse run things, sniffing out the cheese, trying to get there to experience the food, but getting angry that it takes so long to get there, wanting to just stand on my hind legs and leap over the obstacles. makes more sense to my mind to do it that way. i am better in ways, had a small break for the baby over the weekend, got pampered and remembered on mothers day. got a good tan going out by the pool, hung out with my best friend and didn't feel guilty for the amount of time we spent over there. watched survivor finale. got some rest. cried a great deal, having repressed memories with seri that i don't ever ever ever want to remember, yet cannot force them down right now. feeling ok not great. very disconnected from everyone, i think that i may even be pushing myself slowly away from everyone, because it isn't as painful if i do the leaving, as when they do. i don't know, i am doing better, but inside i am little, and hurt, and very lonely. but only seven more days of school. and that is exciting for me. so i will try to blog more, hopefully it will start having a more happy slant, and go from there. ok?

i learned some things this weekend

i learned some things this weekend. about myself, or should i say about what people think of me. it was truly an exhausting experience. i had thought that my week had to get better, it seemed like there was no place to go but up from the previous week. but then again, i was mistaken. so many miscommunications, so many hurt feelings, so tired, so very tired. the whole earth seemed to swallow me up and spit me back out. the previous weekend dave had climbed and i was left with the 4 kids, so i was really looking forward to a small break this past weekend, only that didn't happen, dave got offered a job working for a friend of ours for 10 hours a day, friday, saturday and sunday, so again i was with the 4 kids. it seemed a little better this time, not really has suicidal has the previous week, but still it would have been heavenly to sleep in at least once. i spent a lot of time with my best friend, swimming and laying out in her new pool, the kids were way more helpful with the baby while we swam, so that was nice. i ended up cooking for 20 people on friday, and that was draining since dave wasn't around to watch the baby for me. friday night, after we all ate and the guys got done working we were all just hanging around, one by one people went home, or went to bed, the kids spent the night and dave had taken kennedy home and i wasn't ready to go home, there were only a few of us left talking under the stars, smoking and just talking. one of the guys whom i haven't known for very long, but really admire and geniunely like, looked at me and told me i was an angry person, that i had so much pain and bitterness that i seemed like a time bomb waiting to explode. i was taken aback a little, but of course asked for more information, he then told me that i seemed to like chaos, and that is why i had packed my bags the previous weekend instead of making dave pack his. he said i had allowed dave to treat me in certain ways because i didn't know that i deserved better, and that once i learned that i did deserve better, i expected him to automatically change and that wasn't realistic. that i had to give him a chance to do that, and it would take a lot of time and even more failing before he learned how. i felt pretty ok about the conversation at 2am when i finally drove home, i was a tad embarassed about it but felt like it was honest and i appreciate that more than anything else. saturday was more of the same, dave working, me and the kids out by the pool, but today i had decided to really make an effort to tell and show dave how much i appreciated him working on his days off to get some money for us, and i even was affectionate with him, the guy who had talked with me the night before told me that he was proud of the fact that i was making attempts to teach dave how i needed to be treated. dave and i seemed ok, and then another friend, the one dave had been working with made a comment to me about something dave had said and was lecturing me about it, it hurt and embarrased me. when i got home i asked him about it and that was the spark that took the whole forest down, we got into it so severely that it got to the point where i threw a suitcase at him, and the keys to his dad's house and said, pack what you can and get out! he almost did. it is too long and drawn out to rehash the whole incident here but, after awhile i quit talking and just told him that i was willing to accept half of the blame for our problems, but until he could own up to his portion it wasn't worth fighting about anymore, so i laid on the couch, and for another half of an hour listened to him tell me why what he did was all my fault, and he couldn't help it if i was a whack job, he said that all of our friends that seem sympathetic towards me when i lean on them, tell him how they know that it is my fault and that he is not to blame. at those words i felt like a frozen dagger was thrust into my heart and twisted about. it took me to my knees to think that people i confided in were in fact thinking i was just sick and patronizing me. i physically felt sick. i felt the hot tears run down my face and they stung and burned all the way down. he knew he had crossed the line with the angry things he was saying, so he said i don't want to lose you, to which i responded you lost me a long time ago, he stood up and said, then i will do whatever it takes to get you back and walked out of the living room and went to bed. i lay there crying and crying and hurting to my very core. the next morning i pretended to sleep when he came to say good bye before going to work. i tried very hard to be friendly and loving, we had a better day, not great. today i did the same, and i told him that i would wake up every morning and try harder than the day before until i had no tries left, and i also told him that even though i could be nice, didn't mean our issues werre gone, and that until those were resolved i would still not consider being more than roommates with him. he did make points today, and i actually got to leave the house and hang out with shannon and the girls tonight, for a few hours which helps me so much. i felt a little freedom and being away from the kids helped me gain some sanity back. i think i may sleep in my bed tonight, it will be the first time in almost a month. i never want to say i didn't give it everything i had. if it isn't going to work out, at least i will have exhausted all possible methods of saving it, and tonight, i think that there is still a lot more tries left in me. so. goodnight, and hopefully soon my blogs can have a more upbeat tone to them. wouldn't that be nice.