so i have been told i need to blog more

so i have been told that i haven't updated my blog often enough, so i am here writing an update. not sure what to write. my life is unbelievably crazy and busy right now. the kids are in school, and doing ok, i have the soccer, the volleyball the cheerleading, and zed is running for student council and the vote is tomorrow. i am nervous for him. i am hoping that it won't be too traumatic if he doesn't win. i baby sit three days a week. i am struggling with internal issues, they just seem to come at the worst times, they sneak attack me and ruin my sleep patterns and mental health. i am working endlessly on my marriage. it has seen some improvements, some things still need work, some are a work in progress and some just are great. i miss seeing my best friend everyday like i did in the summer, that is the hardest part of fall. but, i am learning new things about myself everyday. some days i want to hide under the covers and cry, and some days i am ready to hit the world head on and conquer it. today i feel very old and very tired. i hope that all of my friends are doing well. i will try to do better on updating the blog and letting everyone know how i am doing. i hope you all do the same.

the results are in

the results are in....and i did predict the outcome. i passed the first two sections, with 100% on each. and the third section which was the math one, i didn't pass. but, the bright side is that i only missed 7 more than i needed to pass. if i hadn't learned math and practiced for three straight days i would have missed them all, except for guessing. when i went in to take the test, i started to talk to a woman, she was there taking the math portion only(if you pass a section, you don't have to re-take it) she said it was really hard. out of the 11 people there to take the test 8 of them were there to re-take the math. one lady was on her 10th try, one on her 6th try, and all the others, except the first lady i talked to were on their 3rd or 4th try. so, i didn't feel so horrible that i didn't pass, instead i was pretty encouraged that i did as well as i did. and i wouldn't have been able to work with shannon, the neighbor is doing it. so, this actually works out well, if i take the test again in september and pass, by that time, the neighbor may have given up and then once again i will have the chance to work with shannon. but, if not, i can still sub for other classes and maybe by the next year get placed in a permanent place. besides, i think i could use a break right now and time to get some things done around the house. the kids started school yesterday, and they love it. my son is shocking me! he is usually so shy and not at all self-motivated, but today he came home and told me he is running for student council. i was speechless, but i feel proud of him. i hope that this is a good learning experience for him. the girls are enjoying being with their friends again and tynin is in heaven because she loves school. so, things aren't so bad, even though i would have liked to pass the test, it was so much more involved than i had thought, even with the study guide. but now i know and will study accordingly. until next time.....................

this is so nervewracking!!!!

this is so nervewracking!!!! i have so much on my mind that i feel like i am a hamster running in that circle wheel thingy, going fast but never getting anywhere. tomorrow is a huge day. the kids start school, zed in junior high! i am feeling like i am not at all prepared like i usually am. i have the backpacks and lunchboxes, the new shoes, the first day of school outfits. i am not sure on the school supplies, i have to get two kids haircuts today, i have to buy groceries so that they won't starve. i have to set alarms and and be ready to go early in the morning. i also have to study for this test tomorrow. i am doing better, really i think i am just memorizing math rules and doing the best i can, but i have some hope now, instead of dreading it completely. i had to fill out an application online today, and that took a lot of wind out of my sails. i haven't worked in like 15 years. how do you build yourself up when you look like a failure? there is also a whole new element to this job thing. shannon's neighbor decided that she wants the job of shannon's aide. she was told about it first and declined, then changed her mind after i was told about it. so, if she can find childcare, she will probably get the job. i am a little upset about it. it all of a sudden turned into a competition. it feels ugly to me. i don't want to be in the middle of a battle. so, now, even if i pass the test i will either have to settle for being a sub, and going to a different school everyday or perhaps being placed with someone i don't know and may be intimidated by. i am sure that there are a lot of people out there that i would feel ok with, and i am praying that will be the case. there is also the consideration of the school being far away from my kids school which could present a problem. so, for now, i am just going to pray that god's will be done, and that i can hopefully pass the test. then i will go from there. but today i feel like giving up. i feel like something was stolen from me, i am still not sure why i feel this way, it seems pretty selfish and not how i normally feel, yet it feels like that to me. i am trying to make that feeling go away. i do have more hope today with regards to the marriage situation. dave is attempting to make changes. mostly they have to do with doing "stuff" but i am hoping that soon he will stop trying to fix all the outward things and focus on the inward stuff as well. i hope that soon i will be able to have a routine in my daily life, whatever direction it takes. if i have a chance of getting a job that would start next week, the rest of this week will be very different than if i don't pass that test. either way, i want to have a great week and enjoy my kids and husband and friends. i hope that all of the people i care about, have a great week! let you know how my shapes up...

today is a new beginning

today is a new beginning...so many things happened today that my head is spinning! today was the day that we found out who the girls teachers were... tynin got who we wanted. callista got someone we have never heard of. today i decided to try for a job that i really really want. being a teachers aide to mentally challenged youth and the best part? shannon is the teacher. i have to take a test to qualify, so today i called to find out when the test was, it is on tuesday! i called back and asked if they had a study guide to go by, and they did, so i ran down and picked it up. at first, i was so overwhelmed, i cannot do math, have never really understood it, have never really passed a math class on my own accord. the test booklet was 14 pages long, 4 of them covered english and 10 covered math! not good. and not just basic math, algebra, geometry, statistics, all kinds of stuff i really don't know. but i really want this job. so tonight, dave, shannon and michael wrote out practice questions and i learned so much math, by the end i was feeling so happy and like there was a slight chance that i could pass. so, pray on tuesday at 1:30 that i can pass this test. if i do and make it through the hiring i start work the following monday. but, it is perfect 8am until 2pm! my kids won't have to quit there stuff, i will be earning money and i get to be with my best friend! i have prayed that if it is god's will it will happen, if not, i will be ok with it. today, also brought about my daughter callista deciding that she wanted to cut her hair. i took her in for a trim and when we left it was 11 inches shorter! they asked her to donate it to locks of love and she agreed. it is so cute! i will take pictures tomorrow and post them. today, dave decided to fix things around the house, things that have been neglected for a long while and so the thing is that now it is a huge undertaking, but he is willing to do it. today, i said no to climbing. for the first time in two years. it felt horrible when i did it, but as the day wore on it felt great! today i sat and watched my daughters do cheerleading. i was impressed. it is so not in my nature to raise a cheerleader, let alone two! but they are really enjoying themselves. today, i learned that my mom may have cancer in her spine! this would be her third bout of cancer, not good. today, i feel like i know myself and what i am capable of a little better. today, i think i will get a good nights sleep.

my heart aches

my heart aches tonight.... a dull relentless pain. it hurts to breathe, to move, to feel. i keep thinking that each day will bring about some relief, some type of solutions, but it doesn't happen. there are new surprises everyday, some good some not so much. but i keep rolling with the blows. the past seems to forever haunt me, bringing back flooding of uncontrollable regret and pain. the future right now looks so bleak, and the present, is nothing to be too excited about either. i basically live each second and sometimes forget to breathe. the pain is shredding my heart, it feels like i will never be able to not feel pain. physical, mental, emotional, sexual, spiritual, it is all-encompassing. i feel like i have been mummified, wrapped tightly in pain. it surrounds me, consumes me, is me. the one bright spot? at least someone touched me tonight. wrapped his arm around me and told me i was safe. and for that brief time, i felt like i was..

a summary of the past week

here's a summary of the past week that i have had.... some of the highest ups and lowest downs in ages! the place that i am usually at most nights "the porch" at my best friends house is under going rennovations, so that has left not just me but quite a few others puzzled over how to spend their evenings. things got rough on the porch , too much alcohol, too many people, some violence and lots of denial and then a realization that there was a huge problem going on. none of it had to do with me, but it has affected a lot of things in my day to day going-ons. it is a good thing, but none the less a change. my girls are in cheerleading right now and i am faced with the unpleasant memories of how cheerleaders affected me in high school. i am almost regretting letting them do it, but they love it and so far do not seem like the awful trolls who tormented me. but it is still a sore spot. went away for the weekend with my family and some friends, mostly single, the weather was absolutely perfect, though i did get sunburnt and now that the peeling on my face will not be fun! right before i left town, had a conversation with my mother-in-law, that was basically telling me how fat and ugly i was, no seriously, in 7 minutes there were 3 very very brutal things said to me, that left me stunned and speechless. i spent the whole weekend, feeling like a piece of shit on someone's shoe. horrible. may i never, ever treat anyone like that, especially someone i say that i love and care for. the whole kennedy situation is horrid. the guilt trips i recieve daily make me unsure of how long she will be living with us, and that is weighing on me. dave and i are worse than ever! on sunday we said about 50 words to each other the entire day! i am desperate to find a job and move on. someone asked me this weekend if i stilled loved him, before i would automatically have said YES, but this time i didn't answer and have been obsessing about it for 3 days. still don't know the answer. today was long, told my mom that my marriage was bad, really bad, she told me that she needs her spine fused together and doesn't want to do, but that she can barely walk at this point. it was a downer of a phonecall. we had zed's junior high orientation tonight, and i got to see george, which i can honestly say, brightened up my heart more than i could have ever imagined. the only bummer was when he asked dave how the climbing was going, dave said, good but i haven't gone too much, ok, here's the truth, 4 times in the past 6 weeks. i guess that isn't enough. i was so shocked at his response. i had dave take the kids home, and went to shannon's tonight, i needed that!!!!! it was great to be with her! she is trying to help me find a job that fits my criteria. there were a bunch of other friends over, and when i left at 1:15am, one of them told me that i was loved, and i almost started to bawl. the hurt rushed over me like a tidal wave, it was like i was hearing it for the first time. i didn't realize how much i had been keeping things in and trying to deal. my kids start school in a week, and i am curious how i will handle it. i know that i need rest. i know that i need to learn how to do certain things around the house, just to stay sane, and i know that i will be busy. so that is how the week has been, i went from the warm loving proud feelings at the bonfire on the beach, to having a dead bird(seriously) on my front porch this morning, after dave left for work, before i got the newspaper. i left it there and had dave throw it out when he got home. but, come on. what the hell was that. i am so glad that it is tuesday. i need tuesday, especially this one.

AAARRGGGHHHH!!!!!!

AAARRGGGHHH!!!! that is the only way to describe my emotional state at this moment. things keep going from bad to worse, to ok and then back to horrible. things are so back and forth, and my nerves are shot. i am handling the marriage situation ok, it seems like i have taken back some of the power and that actually makes dealing with dave better, i have gotten bolder and have just stopped each situation and pointed out things that are not going well, instead of letting them simmer and blowing up, my therapist had me role-playing things that he swore would work in reaching dave, for months i have been trying all types of things, not one, not a single one, worked at all!!! my therapist was baffled and told me to just try to be blunt and forceful and honest and a little aggressive in pointing things out, he said that 9 times out of 10 men would rebel against this and become angry and bitter, but, guess what? it actually works with dave?! he doesn't get upset instead he just looks and me and says, ohhhh, now i get it. whatever. it doesn't change a lot of the living situation but it has relieved some pressure from me. the friend situation is horrendous! i spent sunday in bed crying, it was like i was mourning a loss. that is what it feels like. it is a really tricky, sticky problem and it is spiraling out of control. it sucks!!!! especially with the drama at home already. i am also in the middle of the whole kennedy thing and that is heartbreaking and tiring and i am already being manipulated and feel stuck. i also think that i need to take the break from prayer. i had thought it best, but got talked out of it. and already it is never a sure thing and i am so fragile emotionally, spiritually and mentally that it takes me out and i can't have that being a bad thing. i think a break would give people the opportunity to not be committed and that i would still feel like in october that i could come back without the hurt feelings. these are so my issues, and i can't make people understand that. i want to be able to express the screwed up processing my many faceted brain takes when thrown a curveball, but i seem to be lacking in how to make it come across. i will see. i am more mentally unstable than i have been in years, and everything seems so catastrophic to me. it seems like i am standing at the bottom of a hill watching an avalanche coming and have no will to get out of the way. it hurts, being so fucked up. i feel like i am unfit to be around most people at this point in my life. i don't know what to do or where to turn. and i in no way ever want people to have to deal with my pyscho feelings. it is nobodys fault that i freak out. only mine. no one could do anything to help me right now, i think i am too far gone. thanks for trying though.