no more please god!

no more please god!
not another day.
not another hour,
not another minute.
the pain eats away at me,
chiseling bits and pieces of my sanity away.
i can't function anymore
i have no more fight.
no more desire
no more hope.
i just want to die.
let me breathe my last.
let me be free of pain,
once and for all.
let it be over with.
not another second.
i beg of you.
take this pathetic life from me.
i don't know how to use it
i don't want to have it anymore.
i have nothing to give to you.
i have nothing to offer anyone anymore.
branded
for life,
it won't be lifted.
how can it?
it is who i am.
so please god.
no more

relieved is a dirty word

relieved is a dirty word to me.
i remember her blood on my hands,
i can't remember if she had yet stopped breathing,
but i will never forget
roger leaned over to me
and said
i am just so relieved that "she" will never have to see "you" again.
i was six.
the only other time i can recall ever hearing that word
was when my dad would excuse himself to go relieve himself.
so i figured it was something dirty.
throughout my life i have heard the word
relieved
used many times when describing something about me.
my parents, sitting in the hospital waiting room
after i miscarried from a drug overdose,
told me how relieved they were that i would not be having a child.
my school principal told me how relieved he was that i would not be returning
my senior year to his school.
my best friends parents told me how relieved they were
that their daughter would no longer be seeing me.
the list is endless....
really it is
today i heard that word used to describe me again.
" she is so relieved that i won't be seeing you, that that part of my life is over"
it hurt so deep.
so incredibly deep.
i came into this world
branded
named
and shamed.
people cannot understand why i have such a rough exterior.
why i cannot trust.
to me it is simple,
everything i touch
turns to utter shit.
once people find out about me,
they run.
they act as if it has nothing to do with me,
believe me i have heard every excuse in the book.
but it is the honest people who
are so relieved to be free of me,
that's who i believe.
abandonment is a dark and lonely hell.
it is the single most important obstacle that i had wanted to conquer in my lifetime.
to be able to not fear
relationships
friendships
hugs,
to be able to welcome people in my life,
and be fine when they have to part.
but,
i have not beaten this demon in my life.
it is always there,
reminding me that i am not worth anything,
that people are relieved to finally be free of me.
don't try to explain that away with niceties and bullshit.
it is what it is
i am a despicable creature
and you should all be relieved to be free of me.
i don't blame you.
it is what it is.

an open letter to my prayer family past and present

to my dearest prayer family past and present,
i expect that most of you knew this was coming. i wanted to believe that it wasn't. i am not going to lie to you, nor am i going to try to make this any different than i feel it has to be. i know that i am risking a lot by doing this. i know that most of you will argue that i am making a huge mistake. and truthfully, i am not sure that i'm not. all i know is that for now, maybe forever, i am no longer going to be going to prayer. i love all of you, i know that i will probably lose a lot of you in my life because you disagree with this decision. i am going to have to accept that. i don't have to like it, but i will accept it. each of the people that have come into my life and assisted me on my path to healing, mean the world to me, each of you have brought something different and needed to my journey. even if i have not known you as long as some others, because of my "condition" i feel like I have known you since my childhood. it is extremely difficult to explain my decision without sounding like a spoiled whiny brat, which i very well could be. at this point and time, my life is hanging in the balance. my marriage is non-exsistent, financially we are worse off than our first year of marriage, my health isn't great, extremely busy being a mom, my therapy has been cut from once a week to once a month, feeling extreme loss at losing george, i could continue for a long time. right now in my life i feel like i am in a crossroads, i feel like i need to move forward and figure things out. i also know that i feel more fragile and more vulnerable and empty than i have in many many years. i spend most nights, crying and praying that i don't fall asleep so that i don't have to remember things. i spend the days mourning the place my life has landed, and my afternoons running with three precious kids, and the evenings praying that my husband will talk to me. part of the reason i think my healing was on the fast track was that i truly believed that someone cared about me and wanted to be a part of my life, not just of my healing moments. i had interaction with him outside of ministry time, emails, calls, just a quick hello are you doing ok. when i asked him to quit coming on tuesday nights, i asked god to provide me with a clear vision that each member could take a small piece of what he brought to my healing and then it wouldn't be too much for any one person. i didn't feel like this was clear to me, and i feel like the scariness and the uncertainty and the pain of starting up and hoping to see it through to the end is more than i can emotionally deal with at this time. it is not a slam on anyone because i owe you all so much for seeing me to this point. i have been told repeatedly that i am the exception, that most mpd's do not ever find success in their lives, that they are stuck, most without marriage, kids. most find that death is easier than fighting a never ending battle. which is how i feel. i have been out for 15 years, and still the memories are like they were yesterday, the threats are still new, and i have really tried. but, i am still not whole, and still not done. i am frustrated, and scared that it will never end. i find a way to make it work, and it takes too long and while everyone elses lives grow and move forward, i am stuck. i can't start again, i am scared, and the pain makes me sick. i think perhaps that this is has good as it gets. or as george says, maybe i should just try to find a retired couple who have lots of time. i understand if you want to write me off. you may think i am a quitter, you are entitled to. but, i want to thank you so much for getting me to this point of my quest. i have grown and evolved so much the past few years, people notice, i am able to cry now, and laugh, and try new things, i have learned what it was like to have a dad, and a family, one who i didn't have to be tortured by to feel love. i learned to trust, to share, to educate, to be taught, i have learned how to let go for the sake of others, to hold on for myself, and to love and be loved. a few years ago, i couldn't stand to be touched, and yet slowly i have hugged all of you. so, please know that i wouldn't trade this experience, this healing and freedom and wholeness for anything!!!!!! i am a better person/persons for having you in my life. i hope that you will continue to let me blog and email and still consider me a friend. i love you all!!!!! i hope that you will still pray this next month for me. i understand if you don't. thank you thank you thank you for loving me!
your friend, ....................................

waves crashing all around me

waves crashing all around me
each one bigger and stronger
than the one before.
at first it was fun,
feeling a little nudge
a little pressure
soon,
they were big
my feet no longer touched
after they retreated
treading water
trying to keep my head above the water.
now each wave crashes on me,
knocking me sideways,
stealing my breath
it's cold and i feel as if i am being squeezed
no air comes out.
i want to cry out for help.
but it is too late,
i am in too deep,
no one can hear me now,
the deafening thunder that is each wave
makes my screams sound muffled
out in the deeper water
it gets dark
sun no longer penetrates and bounces back.
it is so hard to breathe.
exhaustion sets in
and then panic
soon....
the wave will come that will take it's final toll.
knocking me to and fro
stealing my last breath
pushing me under
where no attempt
will bring me back to the surface.
it doesn't matter
i just wish it would hurry

happy birthday to me.

happy birthday to me! i just had a very good day! this past week as been a time of loss, of pain of lonlieness. there were days i didn't think i could get out of bed! i cannot tell you how many tears i shed this past week! i knew my birthday was coming, and i wanted nothing to do with it. i must say that this year i enjoyed myself today, a feat i didn't think possible. my husband took the day off and he was a lot of fun today. like old times. we cleaned the house, and went to lunch, did some shopping, picked up the kids and two friends, had ice-cream, took the kids to pizza, dropped them off at church, and went by shannon's and then to tahoe joes and then shopped a little more and then a movie. got home after my birthday had ended, tired but content. i needed today! i needed to laugh, and feel like someone was there for me. i needed to hear my kids laugh and hold hands with dave. i needed to feel like i was special and that when someone said they loved and cared about me that they meant it. i needed today. so, happy birthday to me. hope this year is special!

wow

wow! that's all i can say. i think that today was the day that makes it hard to have to wake up in the morning. i have been in a place of real reflection lately. feeling fat and ugly, feeling like i need to not be a professional babysitter, but actually have a real job, questioning how healthly my friendships are, being financially strapped, feeling like i am the lonliest wife on the planet, wondering if i have screwed up my kids completely. you know, all the stuff that one day, penetrates you brain and makes you think until you can't think anymore, and then you strive to make solutions. i spent all day monday crying, for no reason, other than i didn't imagine being in this place at this point of me life. tuesday felt a little better, although the baby i watched screamed her head off and i felt stupid because i am a babysitter, i got asked to coach my daughters volleyball team which felt good, because i want to connect with her, i got the kids dialed in with all their stuff, and felt like the day was improving each hour, way better than the day before. i had prayer tonight, and was scared really scared to go, but knew that i should be there. things unraveled quickly on my way there, my mother in law called and screwed me over financially again! kennedy's mom called and sounded like she was cranked out, i decided to call my mom and talk to her, i figured at least she loved me and would protect me, the phone call went bad! she hung up on me, and i am still not sure why. it stung. i felt alone, i have not been connected with dave for a long time, and yesterday found out accidentely that he had opened a new secret email account. it hurt. so, by the time i get there i am ready to be around people that maybe like me some. i got an eye opening tonight. i had to let go of someone close, and now have to decide what step to take. i feel a peace about releasing this person. i want him to be happy. no matter what it costs me. as a person, i feel like i am done. i am a sucky wife, friend, daughter, daughter in law, and mpd. the one thing i have left is being a mom, and if i screw that one up, i am done. i don't look forward to tomorrow, i don't want to wake up if you want the honest truth. one more day to feel dirty and stupid and lazy and unattractive. but, i still got my kids, for now......no other decision can be made tonight.....that's it, going to bed.

mama said there'd be days like these

there are days that fly by, there are days that crawl along, there are days that bring utter joy and days that fill my heart with despair. today was a day that fits all of the above catagories. things in my little world have been rougher here lately. financial issues bear the brunt of the term "rougher". it seems like when your bank account empties, things seem bigger and harder than they really are. a fear creeps over you that shouldn't be there. and when the chips are down, it seems like all of a sudden more and more things become due, school pictures, cheer sweatshirts, yearbooks, and countless other things that normallly would be no big deal, but all of a sudden, it is scary. i feel like i have failed my family, like i have personally let them all down. it sucks, especially at night, when i try to fall asleep, but my mind will not shut down, and the thoughts plague my sleep. there are no easy or quick solutions to this problem at the present time. but i have hope. there is drama in just being a mother, the constant barrage of homework, the sports, the pain when things don't turn out so great for one of my kids, the sicknesses and the reality that most days i do this alone. some days, i long for time to rewind itself, to take me back 5 years, to a time when our family life clicked, and there were two parents sharing the load. we might have had marital problems but we were incredible parents! it didn't seem so draining, so overwhelming when the load was split. but now, it feels like he is spitting in my face with every task i do with the kids. he was sick last week, stayed home from work, couldn't get off the couch, i asked very very little of him, just to help callista with homework, he didn't even need to move off the couch. he couldn't do it. but then he went hunting for 3 hours, and when he came home he said he wasn't feeling good and was going to lay down, but 12 minutes, only 12, his friend called, and in less than 10 minutes he was out the door to go work out for an hour. only to come home and lay around until the kids were in bed. at which point he miraculously recovered and went to some friends house. now, i understand not feeling well. but, i don't get the option of not being a mother. somewhere along the way someone said it was ok for a father to forego all of his responsibilities due to illness, and that said illness was capable of coming and going depending on what activity was available. i know, i sound bitter, i guess i truely am. it hurts. and then the weekend arrives and he has to go hunting, tells me he will be home at 6:30pm, so once again as i am leaving to take the girls to cheer, he by the way had missed all the other games and promised them he would be at this one, but then "talked" to them and they were ok with it, anyways.... i think that money is tight and paying for zed to go made no sense, and since dave would be home soon, he could stay by himself. well dave got home at 10:30pm and it wasn't good, i had called zed and told him that i would come get him so he could eat with his grandma who had invited us to eat, and he said that his dad would be there soon and not to worry about it, around 10 the calls from zed were frantic, and i started to drive home to get him, only to have dave call and say he had picked him up and they were on the way to where we were. i was frustrated. today he got up and went and helped someone move, and went to a gun shop, where he promised a guy he would purchase a gun, where once again comes the financial strain. he has 7 guns, not a necessity in my book to purchase another. then he slept all afternoon. finally at 7pm we started to have time as a family, dinner, and some volleyball with the kids, then they went to bed, and after that only 27 words were spoken to me, most of them questioning if i was ready for sex. so tonight, i sleep on the couch once again, tears stream down my face and my heart literally aches, wondering what my life is going to amount to, and why and how did i end up here, and why do i have to love my kids so much, and is it worth it? is doing this day in and day out what i really want? how can i find the answers? where do i look? it feels hopeless. and even on the days where it isn't completely horrible, it still feels empty and stupid. i am sick of pretending that it is going to be alright. that we are going to make it and i am sick of going to therapy and hearing how i have all the tools to communicate, and then failing at it when i try to implement it. i wish that i knew how long this pain would last. i made it through shit for 21 straight years, and then had a break and now again the dulling pain day after day has added up to years, how many years can i take this? i got out of my other shit, because i knew that it would never change, it would always be the same, it always had been, so i got out. i don't honestly know if this will ever change, and i don't know if i can stay 20 more years trying to "see" if it may change. today sucked, this week sucked, and this month sucked. i think honestly this year has sucked. i know that i should be writing witty, funloving blogs, but dammit, i can't right now, so be warned, for awhile it won't be fun, so please just stay away from here, if it bothers you. because it is my only source of venting right now. it is my comfort, and my safety, i have nowhere else to go, i need to bitch, and i am not offended if you stay away, check back november 1st, it may be better by then, thanks!