oh man!

oh man, oh man, oh man! That is how i am feeling right now. As many of you know, tomorrow is my most hated day of the year! ok, really, it is. and i have done a good job of protected my kids from the craziness that i feel each year at this time. well, wouldn't you know it, kids grow up and pretty soon, "i said so" is not an ok answer to life's issues. with the way things have gone for me this year, i decided that they were old enough to make the decision about dressing up for halloween up to them, first it was excitement, then it was doubt, then it was fun for a few days at trying to decide what to wear, then it was they didn't want to do it, and then it was wearing pajamas and slippers, and so on and so forth. well, today the kids were pestering and pestering us for more information as to why i hate halloween. every pat answer that we gave to them was not appeasing so they would tag team us for more info. finally, it got to the point where i looked at dave and we went outside and decided that we should inform them of some of the background of my life. so, we told them about the satantic cult and the abuse(minor things), we told them about halloween and we told them about a lot of things i really hoped i would never have to share with them. we didn't tell them about the mpd, we said things that my mind would protect me and that it would shut down the rest of my body, stuff like that. we didn't go into the horrible abuse, just surface things, we answered tons of questions, we asked them tons of questions. and an hour and a half past their bedtimes we were finished. it was almost a relief to me, in a weird sort of way. i feel like maybe now they will understand that i am not lazy and hate sports, that my body just doesn't work like it should because of my past. i told them that they never have to be afraid because we have prayed for their protection since before they were born. we told them not to share it with others, that we would talk about it or answer questions anytime. it was hard, but freeing. i am not sure what will happen between my kids and myself now, but i feel like i waited until they were asking, and that i was careful with what i said, and that i prayed and gave god the glory for my life as well as theirs. i hope and pray that they will be unafraid and continue to live for god. i got a lot of "i love you's" before they went to bed, which was nice on this night. tynin is still wearing pajamas, but callista who originally was the most excited at the thougt of dressing up, said no way she didn't want to and didn't care, and zed never wanted to. i hope that i did the right thing. only time will tell, but i think i did. only one and a half more days, just til the sun rises on wednesday, then maybe i can get some routine and normalcy back into my life.

and october keeps on a coming

everyday i try to tell myself that it is almost the end of october and thus my life will return to some kind of normal. yes. everyday. today was no different. but as i have tried to communicate with people my whole life, october has it in for me. seriously. the past history of my life, bad things always happen in october. always and forever. this month alone, i have had the flu, so has every member in my family. i now am on the 9th day of a horrid cold, and on monday callista had the croup and today zed woke up with the croup. tynin injured her knee in volleyball. i got word today that my favorite aunt had a massive stroke, a few hours later she had passed away. she wasn't sick, just bam, dead. my mom went to the hospital today, she has been having a hard time breathing, the verdict was bad. pulmonary fibrosis, a terminal lung disease. i am not sure what to do, i cannot be around her, because i am still coughing up lung butter, and i feel like at any moment she could die. the best case scenario is her life will last 5 more years, that is not her, she is in the worst case arena. the girls soccer team has come under scruntiny lately and it is very ugly and i actually have lost sleep over it. we have had several checks bounce and be returned and that is so humiliating and hasn't been something that has happened to us in 13 years. today was so awful! i just want to feel better, i just want my kids to be well, i want my parents to be well, and i want this stupid month to be over with. oh, and both of my girls really want to dress up for halloween, well, they want to wear pajamas, so technically they are dressing up as themselves going to bed, i don't think they realize that i actually think i am ok with that. i hope that the rest of the month doesn't get worse! i don't know what else to expect. just a few more days........................

today i was strong

today i was strong. it's not like i have never been strong before, but lately; i feel like i am paralyzed in my own mind and body. i have been unsuccessful in creating a novacaine for my feelings and emotions. things hurt, or rather, i hurt. i have felt this huge gaping wound from losing my mom when i was six. huge. it has affected everything i have done, or become in my life. a daughter, a wife, a friend, and a mom. i spent years being so terrified of loving my own kids because i always pictured my mom loving me so much and dying inside when she was seperated from me, i always thought that it was a matter of time before someone or something ripped my kids away from me. i was a cautious mother. it was that simple fact that led me to a friend, shannon, who seemed unafraid of loving her kids and showering them with affection. i told her i didn't want to be afraid to love anymore. she promised that she would help me find someone who could help me to learn to feel again. i truthfully thought she was delusional. i seemed to have done alright for myself without feeling too much. but the thought of being the kind of mom that i always dreamt that mine was, took over my mind and heart and i desperately wanted to love that way. at first i was scared, really scared, i felt vulnerable and weak, i wanted to run, but i wanted to give my kids the one thing i never had, a real mom who loved them no matter what, and i wanted them to be secure in that love, not to ever think it could be ripped away from them. it was so hard! some evenings were harder than others! i think that there were nights i would have rather died than "seen" what i did. i don't know why it happened that god led me to the people and the places he did, i don't know to this day, i figure by now i don't need to know. but i do remember vividly being around people and them telling me how fun i was and how scared of me that they used to be, and how i was closed up and mean, but now they felt like they could talk to me. at first, i admit it, i was so offended! yes, offended, that they would tell me how horrible i was, but after pondering the things that they said, i realized that it was the truth, i kept everyone at an arms length, i didn't want to get hurt. soon i was trusting people, and laughing with them, and looking forward to the hell i would go through just to be around these people. a lot of them have moved on with their lives, but i still remember nights with them vividly. every detail. swear! it is like i just saw them, but it isn't true, it has been a long time for some. i told myself that i would never give up, that until i had nothing left to remember i would go. i broke that promise to myself about a month ago. i didn't realize the pain i would feel in my heart and soul from letting myself feel. i didn't expect the pain to linger and lounge around freely on my heart. i thought i would hurt for a few days, and then i would move on, go back and face the newness of what i had to do. but, i didn't know. i didn't know that i would feel like i did when i was six, and my mom died, because 30 years later, that still hurts so deeply. i didn't know that by losing a "dad" that it would feel like death. i didn't know that i couldn't make the pain stop or even lessen. i didn't know that even thinking about the rest of my group would bring such terror to my soul. just trying to walk in without a father there. i didn't know. i honestly didn't. i would never had said that i would do anything. i never would have thought that i could be wounded that way at this point in my life. but, my point was that today i was strong. i don't get to go to therapy but like once a month anymore, bummer, and today i was sicker than a dog, and was going to cancel, when my doc suggested that a phone therapy session might work, and it was like two and a half hours! i finally opened up and expressed to him, that i don't know how to recover from losing this part of my life, and that i still don't feel recovered from losing my mom thirty years ago. i bawled like an infant. the pain was so intense that it scared me, and he said that i was strong and brave for admitting that i still hurt, that i was progressing because i didn't try to act all badass about the situation, but felt. he said there were no quick fixes to this, and a lot of other mumbo jumbo crap that shrinks always say. he said that he may have to get me on sleeping pills, because i am sleeping less and less and my immune system is shutting down. i told him that i would be sleeping next week sometime and not to worry. today i am strong, because i felt, it sucked and i didn't want to off myself. that is progress ladies and gentemen, however small, it felt huge today.

a little over a week left

a little over a week of hell left. and for the second time this month i am sicker than a dog. not surprised really, just annoyed. i have been doing alright, considering the time of year. dave has actually stepped up and not done any extra things this month, but focused on being with me and keeping me safe. i think he knew that i was ready to return. and that is unacceptable to him. so, i am doing the best i can to not return to old ways and comfort. i have been so busy with kids and their activities and being sick that i don't have much down time to really plot out a return. i am missing friends, especially shannon this month. our relationship has changed a lot, since her new job, and her return to school. i rarely see her and feel like i have been replaced a lot of the time. i still love her and consider her my best friend, i just miss the old times. i have read a lot of blogs lately that are mainly about questioning how to be a "good" christian. this astounds me! like it is so hard to listen to the holy spirit and to just obey? i think that people are basically looking for a niche in their faith that fits into what they want to do, or have time to do, or feel comfortable doing. i don't think that they are really unsure about how to be a christian or a good one even, they just want props for doing what they want to do. i am guilty of this as well. i get so bent at other christians that i don't feel like trying or even doing. i have seen god work through people and then the devil enters and screws it all up and then they seek out a different way and ignore what the holy spirit is putting on their hearts, because it isn't comfortable or it doesn't fit their time frames. are we really wanting god to put time constraints on our faith? do we expect him to work at certain times, or to take in to consideration our fears and only put things in front of us that feel nice? i don't know, i told you; i have so much confusion and questions this month that i don't know, i am searching as well as everyone else. it just seems that it shouldn't be up to us. in the coven we didn't get a choice, if you were in, than you obeyed and followed the protocol, in the church, they never get enough volunteers, their is always an end time, and their is not room for new and sometimes scary events that free people. i see and read so much about reaching the lost, but wake up; the christians are lost, the whole lot of them, i have never seen so much pain and shame in my life. we need to start healing from within our "group" before we bring more people in to abandon them when their needs are too great. let's start listening and being there for other christians, let's start a movement to bring the shame and guilt out of hiding, let's make "church" a place where we don't have to hide. let's not judge, or at least let's not make ourselves believe that if we have a need we are a bad christian. let's not reach out but let us reach in. this is so ridiculous! we need to become whole and free and redefine what church is. we need to stand up and say, i am hurting, i have needs and questions and i still want to serve god, but i am scared because no one is standing beside me. praying for each other is great, listening is better, and action is required. and no i am not medicated and ranting, just ranting. i am scared for my children, i don't want them churched in a place where they cannot feel pain and question god and be loved. i am sick of the hiding and the pretending that everything is swell. bullshit! i see the people that love god, the pastors, and youth workers with abandonment issues and shame and guilt, i see the teachers with pain hidden behind a smile, i see the lies that we tell ourselves that say we are not good christians because we don't close our eyes when we pray, or that we hate a certain worship song, so we must be bad. be honest, seek out anothter christian, admit your fears your pain your shame your guilt, talk about what your life is like daily and how much of your day your spend thinking about your faults, and your shortcomings, and then allow yourself to become broken, and realize that it isn't instant. you will hurt and struggle for a long time. but, you will find a new, better, real relationship with god, with christians, and with yourself. ok, i know, you are all wishing that october would end so i would shut the hell up. and maybe i will, and maybe this is just the beginning. not trying to make friends with my opinions, just trying to figure things out for myself.

and the word for today is..........confusion

ok, so there is no other word to describe what i am going through except, confusion. i spend a lot of time second guessing myself, third guessing myself and so on. october is horrible for me, and this month there happened to be a friday the 13th thrown in the mix. i spent so much of that day, wishing for an escape. i spent tuesday wavering between going to the barkers and in the end decided that i couldn't stomach any more confusion. i have heard from my daughters how much they hate this time of year because everyone asks them what they will be for halloween and they hang their heads and say that they aren't allowed to dress up. tynin especially seems so traumatized by this. it hurts me deeply. i spent tonight debating with my husband, if it was truly worth putting my kids through this any longer, standing up for something i believe in, when it doesn't make sense to them. will they resent me later in life? does it really matter anymore? i used to have such strong convictions about this type of thing, but as of late, i don't know that i care. i have even been invited to a costume party, not on halloween but still, is it any different? dave thinks that we should explain our aversion to halloween to the kids and then let them decide for themselves if they want to dress up. i feel like i don't want to explain anything to anyone ever again. what is the point? i feel like i have more questions than answers from god right now. i feel like i started something that had no end. i question whether or not i want my kids to go to a christian school or to church. i will confess that when i saw some coven members watching me, watching my girls play soccer, i felt a sense of pride because tynin played so well on saturday. maybe they saw it? i hoped secretly. they used to be a big part of my life, and for reasons that somedays i understand, and somedays i don't; i threw them out of my life. yet, each time i turn around they are there; begging to be let back in. and on the other hand, i miss friends, but feel like i am the one doing the begging; please help me, please let me learn how to heal. i don't know which way to turn anymore. dave is deeply disturbed, because everyday, i tell him, i don't care anymore, i give up, let's celebrate halloween, let's decorate and hand out candy, let's dress up. he is scared. maybe he should be, but maybe i have been duped into thinking that where i came from was the "bad place". maybe i have always been confused about their role in my life. i seem to have made it way further in life with those people, some physical pain, but i didn't know that at the time, in fact i didn't know it until i met christians who wanted to save me. yet, confusion is all i know right now. i want to be clear headed. i want understanding. i want to not be the bane in peoples lives. i want to not push things onto my kids that might not be so bad after all. so, i wait for answers, that need to come soon, i need to know what to do.

heeeere's october

so, october is here. by far my favorite month of the year. it arrived, with a vengeance. everyone in my family has had the flu this past week, every day someone new was puking and crapping. today, i think it may finally be over. dave was the last to get it, and he told me that he is going to work tomorrow. but, at the same time, callista, who was the first to have it, told me her stomach hurt before bed. i have to say, that as far as october's go, this one is by far the worst, since probably i was 21. really. i have lost all control over my desires to continue living. it is so against what i have worked for for the past few years. perhaps, i put too much of myself into becoming, whole and free, and left nothing for the reserve times. I don't know. all i know is that everyday is such a challenge for me, so painful and so full of urges to be places i don't belong and do things i have no business doing. it is hard to be in a loveless marriage, with three beautiful children that i brought into this world. i want what is best for them, but right now, i don't think i am it. my hugest dilemma is that i cannot bear the thought of leaving them to dave. he has no time or desire to be a parent. his biggest concern right now is finding time to fit tri-atalons, climbing, and hunting into his schedule every week. he told me that if i get a job on the weekends, that he will sign the kids up to do a tri-atalon, as a team. and that they can wait for him to finish after they are done. what the hell is that?! each day my resentment towards him grows bigger and more defined. i feel as if somedays i will implode from trying not to blow up at him. he lives in his own little world, and has recently told me that i have an aversion to all things fun. and if i didn't i would love that he has so many hobbies. he must have been valedictorian at bullshit university! who says that kind of shit? i live in a numbness right now, maybe i will wake up after halloween, and have feeling again. maybe i won't make it to halloween and the suffering will just cease. maybe, i will learn to create the ultimate fun person who loves to be alone and is so proud to have a husband that never wants to be with his wife and kids. that would solve a lot of problems. my thoughts, are what they are, and i am not here to write cutesy flowery shit, i feel like shit and so that is what i will write, it is all i can get out. sorry