things are rough all over

things are rough all over!!! i have had an unbelievably out of control emotional week! on tuesday, i felt like i should try to take a break from my tuesday night group, so i met with them and told them all how i felt, i will say that i was so shocked by their responses. i really felt like they would welcome the break and just the opposite happened. they all said that they wanted to continue, that even if the format had to change that it was what they wanted to do. i felt, at the time that i hadn't been heard, but now as i reflect on it, i see that indeed they did hear me, the real me, the one in so much pain that words choke in my throat, so although i was unhappy at the moment, i am really glad to know that i have a real family for once in my life, one that is there through all of the times i go through, ups and downs, good and bad. it started out as the bleakest moment of my week and turned into the shining one. thanks!!!! that night when i got home, feeling like i had overcome some obstacles and had at least attempted to speak my mind, i came home to my husband, who only a few short hours before had made me so upset that it prompted the feeling of wanting to abandon prayer group because i felt the need to concentrate on my marriage more deeply. i was forced to tell him that when he had left earlier, the only thing and i mean the only reasosn i could come up with for not moving out that second was money. it is so difficult to live together on his salary, that living seperately would be impossible. my therapist has told me that in any situation that i feel i need to get away from, i need to list the things that would make me leave and the ones that would make me stay, and then weigh them and either try to change them, or live with my decision. this time, the only reason was financial, which opened my eyes to many things. i told him that for now, we would live together, and that until i had either a job that could support him getting an apartment, or was going to school and got student loans that could help financially, we would have to co-habitate, but that i would be sleeping in the other room. i told him that i didn't think that divorce could hurt as much as the pain i have been in lately, i basically verbally vomitted all over him. i told him how hurt i was that he was not concerned with my safety, that it made me feel like i wasn't worth enough to him. i told him that him wanting to be gone every chance he had made me feel ugly and stupid and untouchable. i told him that his refusal to go back to nights, which would put us back on top financially but would cut into his workout and climbing time, just hurt so much, that his hobbies were more important that providing for our family. i told him that his refusal to compliment me unless it was sexual made me feel like i have my whole life, that i was only good for one thing and apart from that i was nothing. i confronted him on his deceitful ways, and the lying that has been going on. it was brutal, every time he tried to apologize or blame me or anything, i just said, look i am done, i don't want to hear hollow words coming out of your mouth, i don't want to fight, i don't want anything but for you to hear me, and for me to get some closure on this. he sat there, blank faced, mouth agape, tears in his eyes. when i was done, i said good night and headed for the couch. the next day he was all lovey and telling me that he loved me and trying to kiss me, and i just looked at him and said, please do not act like we do not have major drama going on, like what i said last night was some sort of ranting, we are not ok and i am offended that you can act like we are. it stopped. he has been trying to work overtime this week and call and ask me to lunch, we went to dinner tonight. but all in all, i feel a peace about what i said, i am currently looking into a few job options and am also considering school, but may not be able to this fall, perhaps in spring? i am still sleeping on the couch. i am still very nice and probably sweeter to him since i said my peace. i needed to prevent some of the hurt that was coming my way and i think that maybe i have. i am hopeful that god will restore our marriage, and will continue to fight for it. i have also been though major drama revolving around kennedy, and her mom and where she will live soon. it has been rough! i never expected to be in this kind of predicament. i still don't have all the answers. we are considering homeschooling the kids not this year but the next, too much drama with the in-laws over the tuition. a friend of mine took her little 5 year old daughter to the doctor on monday for a stomachache, on tuesday her daughter had a tumor the size of a cantaloupe removed along with a kidney, she started 13 weeks of chemo the next day. they are a mess. i don't understand. some situations with my closest friends, have escalated this week. it is sometimes so great, and the outcomes are outstanding and then there are the times like tonight, where you see a confrontation looming in the very near future where you may have to tell someone to get help for alcoholism. it has been a very draining week. my kids are sick with asthma from the air quality, zed's doctor doesn't want him getting any immunizations because of his allergy shots, but he may not be able to attend school without them. i am so tired! i am so ready for heaven. i just don't know how much more of this emotional upheavel i can bear. a boring week, with no drama, lots of sleep and no pain, i would love it, maybe my doctor could put me in a medical coma for a week. that would be so awesome. i know that i am getting desperate.

just an update

just a little update....this past week has been pretty good. except for the 110 degree weather! i celebrated 14 years of marriage, and had a good time with my girls this week, zed had a fabulous time at camp, which had been a big concern since he had a traumatic experience at that camp a few years ago and skipped a year because of it. i have taken the attitude that i need to be unnaturally pleasant to my in-laws because the tension was making me physically sick. we got to have dinner with the popes(not the pope, as my daughters thought) but some new friends that we made this summer, it was a great time of sharing and praying for each other. really sweet people. i have swam a lot this week, which is nice, but the sun is draining. i have gotten to spend quality time with my favorite people, saw god answer a huge prayer request for a close friend, and actually got two really good nights sleep this week which is huge. today, my son came home from camp, and then an hour later, dave took him and the girls backpacking for the weekend, i ended up driving kennedy to her mom and now am trying to plan a weekend alone for myself, i am a little nervous and pretty tired, but know that i need to be safe and i also have a ton of cleaning and organizing to do. the kids start school in like 3 weeks, and kennedy will be leaving, maybe? not absolutely sure about that. i cannot wait until the weather cools at least a little. i hope that everyone else that i know and love is safe and happy. missing a lot of friends right now, hope i can reconnect with some of them soon. let you know how the weekend goes.

unbelievable

unbelievable....today i have been married for 14 years!!!! i never thought it possible for someone like me to even get married, let alone stay married for 14 years! they have not all been perfect, and there has been ups and downs and many bumps, but i think we have both grown and matured in love in friendship and in life. i used to think that people married this long were really old! which makes me really old, now. it seems odd. mostly things are going well these days, tomorrow we eat dinner with the popes and i like them. the kids are well, zed is away again at summer camp, and kennedy is going to visit her mom this weekend. i know that the coming weeks will be difficult, we have informed kennedy's mom that she will have to move out when the kids start school, not sure what this is going to mean but i am sad. i hope it works out the way that it is supposed to. dave is taking the kids on their annual backpacking trip this weekend, and i am hoping to keep busy with friends. school is just around the corner and i am getting anxious, but i can tell that i am learning to be more assertive, i fought for my son to get the classes he really wanted and i think he is going to have an awesome year. i hope that this our 14th year of marriage is better than the 13th, i have a strong hunch it will be..................

how quickly it changes

how quickly my life changes, everyday i feel like i am beginning anew the rest of my life.
my in-laws were gone for three months, and then when they got home they took my son and kennedy immediately, for two days, which was fine, but today when i went to get them, kennedy treated me like she didn't even know me. it was a horrible feeling. i felt like she had instantly turned against me and hated me. she didn't want anything to do with me. it hurt. i guess it is good, because she is going to be moving out of our house soon, but i felt like it had been coached, like she had been taught the behavior. my bitterness towards my in-laws has not gone away, my therapist says that i should be upset, that they "scammed" me with promises that they had no intention of keeping, and with patronizing me with whatever would work. they hurt me, deeply, i felt like when i was younger and was deceived all of the time, and i didn't expect it from people so close to me. this is going to be a bumpy ride, and i am nervous and scared especially for kennedy, she has been through so much. i can't tell you how much my heart aches for her. i hope that it changes soon. i hope that i can make it through this rough patch that we are going to enter. i hope and pray, and ask you to do the same.

i know who i am in my heart

i know who i am in my heart,
a loving mother,
a caring wife,
a trustworthy friend,
a believer,
and i feel blessed and talented
and loved and secure
and healthy and smart
and all of those types of things,
but my head tells me different
it says i am stupid,
and ugly
and diseased
and horrible
and a liar
and thief
and murderer
and untouchable
and unloveable
and somedays
i don't know if
my heart
or my head
holds the truth

feeling a bit exposed

feeling a bit exposed today. had prayer last night, jumped in with both feet and as scared as i was i am determined to finish this journey i begun long ago. i tried to block out the fears, the insecurities and the anxiety about who was there and what they would think and i prayed that god would do what he wanted and that i would obey what he said. i was glad i did, but then nothing, i sent out an update and got nothing... now i feel like it was a mistake. i try to just accept that it happens, but it was a huge risky step and i feel pretty alone right now. i don't know if i should just suck it up and keep trying until they all just quit showing up, or if i should jump ship before they hurt me. i am so not in a good emotional state, i am trying desperately to be "ok" in the brain functioning thing, but right now, everything feels personal, and hurtful and i am trying to trust to learn to let others in, even friends outside of prayer, and it feels so weird. so unnatural to want acceptance so badly. i don't know what to do, luckily it is almost time to sleep and i won't have to dwell on it for a few hours, and perhaps it won't seem so huge tomorrow. i hope so.

when is it enough

when is it enough? a year? a decade? when? i have pursued wholeness, freedom, joy, i have been open and willing and even hurt in the process. i keep plugging away, trying to better myself, to learn, to teach, to exhaust all possibilities, to be sane. yet, each night brings a new terror, a rude awakening, a horror not previously known. i say enough is enough. i feel alone, exposed, and vulnerable, and i don't like who i am or was or whatever. it hurts, so much, deep hurt, the kind of pain that makes you fall to your knees in gutteral cries to god, the kind of pain that you pray the ones you love never feel, and when i open my eyes, i am covered in sweat, my body aches, and i am once again alone. it isn't anyone's fault, that i am alone. people have their lives, i just need an on/off switch to time it to when i am not alone. but so far, i have no cooperation on finding this switch. so please, enough is enough. calm my mind, pause the memories, hide me under your wing. i need to rest. i can't take it anymore. please

just for today

just for today, i will try to hold on to dear friends, fond memories, favorite movies, classic rock, my favorite old sleepshirt, a delicious snack, the sounds of my kids laughing, the warmth of the sun, the way it felt to feel safe in an embrace, the way the wind feels on my face when i am on a motorcycle, the comfort of old friends, the joy of new ones, i will try to remember things that are so dear to my heart, for when i sleep tonight, that is what i want to see. serenity, security, silence, solitude, i want peace, just for today.

dear god please.....

dear god please....
let me sleep
or at least let me sleep without having memories
let my body be free of pain
or at least allow me to be able to care for my family
let me trust
or at least let me allow people into my heart
let me love
or at least let me be able to feel it
let me understand
or at least let me not frustrate over ignorance
let me be a person who is giving
or at least let me be aware of people's needs
let me have faith
or at least let me have hope
let me always seek wholeness
or at least let me not continue to break
let me feel comfortable in my own skin
or at least let me not cringe when i glance in a mirror
let me laugh
or at least let my feel heart lighter
let me cry
or at least let me mourn
i pray oh god....
that you can heal me
complete me
use me
i need a miracle right now
i need to believe in
myself
in you
in others
in something

fireworks, food and harleys

fourth of july has come and gone, there was food, there were fireworks and then there was the harley ride! i feel like my soul and spirit are reawakened when i feel the air pulsating in my face. it feels like all the cares of my day get whipped away in the wind. i am still pretty "high" from camp last week. i continue to bond with tynin each day. dave and i are still not fighting, which in itself is a miracle, i have a renewed sense of direction in my healing, and will fight a little harder for what i believe god is telling me to do. i am trying to lose the weight i gained last week, that food was good! and dealing with god and dave on the situation with kennedy. soon, things will be hectic and the fuzziness from camp will fall away, but today, i feel like i again have a purpose. i feel like i can continue on for awhile longer. i feel like god puts people in my life at exactly the right time and even if they come and go, they always show back up at just the precise moment in my life when i need it most. i am forever grateful and joyful that i have met these people, you know who you are, and i am counting on god to keep putting you into my life when are where you are needed. tomorrow it is back to the babysitting, which means pool and tanning, i faded really bad at camp, but hopefully it will bounce back. missing a lot of people tonight, but riding on that harley looking at fireworks exploding in the sky, i was at peace, hope the same is true for you.....

i don't know what god has planned

i don't know what god has planned for me right now, but things keep getting weirder and weirder. tonight, dave and i went to a birthday party for a friend, and all of a sudden i hear my name being called and look up and it is keith and joan martens! i rarely get to see them, and if i do, it is just in passing, and then just the cordial greeting, quick hug and bye. but tonight, i got to talk to them for a very long time, and it was good. to ask some questions, to get some insight and to feel like someone completely understood what i was saying and knew how to help. i even told them that someday i would like to speak or at least go on a trip with their ministry. that would be so nice and would feel right. keith is the person who started my journey on this road. he is the person who plucked me out of the fire. i owe him my life. it was fun to see them, to hang out, talk about old times, share stories, and laugh. i don't know where things are headed, but i am ready.

my time in the forest

my time in the forest this past week was awesome! it didn't start that way, in fact by the time we drove up there, dave wanted a refund and to just go back home, but then a simple thing like having the beds made when we got into our room, turned everything around. we stopped fighting and went for three whole days without an arguement and then only had minor ones a few times after that. our kids were fantastic and helped so much with kennedy. the speakers were amazing! very genuine and loving and accepting. dave and i had a lot of serious discussions that were a long time in coming this week. it felt good to express where i am in terms of memories and my self-esteem because of what i am going through. i got to see tony, and the pina's and the cosbys and even mel for a short while. that was nice, although i thought i would have a lot more time with them then i did. i bonded in a huge way with tynin and spent good quality time with her. i watched my son and his future "wife" hang out and was in awe. they still play like they did when they were 5 and yet act like an old married couple, he pouring her lemonade, her clearing his dishes, very cute. we bonded instantly with old friends over junk food and games. but this year was different. i have struggled with intimacy with people, especially christians this past few months, and feel like i can't get close to people because they do not know me. i have prayed for a year that i would have the courage, that if anyone asked me any questions about my past that i would be able to share what the lord wanted me to. all week long, nothing came of it. so i figured that god had other plans for me. then the last night, after communion, we were all hanging out, even the speakers and we were telling funny stories about ourselves and the speaker asked dave to tell how we got married, how god told him to marry me, so he did and when he did he casually mentioned that i lived with a family because i had just gotten out of the occult. this was at 10:30p.m. soon the questions were flying from all directions, i looked at dave and he said, i think it is time we shared, so we dove in head first, by the time it was 4a.m. and no i am not making that up, we were begging these people to go to bed, there were other people leaving the lodge to drive to vegas at this point, but no one was in a hurry to go to bed. we felt like we had released a huge load and felt good about it. the group that was in that room was so diverse, a few people we had known for years, some we had just met, and some whom we had steered clear of for the past few years, but who had somehow trickled into our hearts that week, plus the speakers. i only got about 22 minutes of sleep, because my mind was racing when we got to our room, i didn't know if people thought we were freaks, or mental cases or if they were going to shun us or our kids in the morning, so i was laying there, pre-worrying. when we got to breakfast, everyone of the people in that room, came and hugged me and told me how glad they were that we had shared with them. and then the speaker told dave, that had been one of the highlights of their week, and he and his wife, who just happen to live in fresno, invited us to lunch this coming friday! i was really nervous that i had broken some camp rules, or that the people that i love that work there would be upset, but after that, i had a sense of peace and didn't really care. it was a great week, many stories, many memories, i hope to "re-live" these memories! i have been trying to email many of you but my email is down right now, so you may get multiple emails when it gets back up. i have much to share, much to be thankful for, these weeks in the forest, renew my faith, my hope and open my eyes and heart to so much, i am forever grateful!!! more later, you can bet on that!

family camp 2006