i never want another day like today!

i never want another day like today! last night was hard, but i was dealing with things internally, dave had no idea that i was even upset. i find it is much easier this way, to just suck it up and let him do what he wants and just go about my daily life, even if it hurts like hell. today was the "meeting" with the in-laws about their trip and kennedy. so we met for lunch, and just let me take a few steps back to explain some things, since january when i mentioned getting a job, my mother-in-law has been saying to just wait because their property is selling and they intended to give both dave and his sister a big chunk of change. i didn't make plans for the money, but as recently as two days ago, she keeps telling me this. this past week we had told them how bad things were getting financially especially with me not being able to work and now having a toddler living here, she tells us that money is no object to her and that whatever we need she will give to us. we tell her that we are considering asking that kennedy be put into the foster care system and that we would take the daylong course and become her foster parents, we would then be eligble for money, we also had many other similar suggestions. i don't know if i mentioned this in earlier blogs, but dave had recently confessed that he didn't want to raise this baby until she was 18, that sent the mother-in-law into a tailspin, so....today's meeting. i didn't expect too much, maybe a nice lunch and a few goodbyes and a few financial solutions to this problem we are having. it went so far from this and for the remainder of the day, i cried, got mad, cried, got even madder, and cried some more. first, came the revelation that 6 weeks ago they found out that the property sale had fallen through, ok, bad enough, but here's the kicker, my mother-in-law tells my father-in-law " i thought we agreed to wait until we got home to tell them that" ok that was said in front of me and dave. i almost choked. i reached over and grasped dave's leg. then the mother of all guilt trips started, here are the highlights....." don't you love kennedy?" " i am not blood related to your kids and look how well i treat them." "we have given your kids the best life, where would they be without us?" "do you want it on your heads if she were to be molested?" " you will answer to God for turning your back on her" and it just went on and on... i was dumbfounded, truly. dave and i both kept repeating that the very best thing for kennedy was for her mom to get well and be able to care for her, we said, emotionally, spiritually and mentally she will suffer if that never happens, not that it would be today, but that she needed to have that relationship if at all possible. mother-in-law crying, telling us that we need to make her guarantees that kennedy will not leave our house while she is on VACATION! by this point, the food taste like shit, i feel sweaty, dave gets called to the police chief's office for a news conference, so lunch is ending. dave runs back to ask if i have any money for gas, i hand him my last ten dollars, and he leaves. i am getting ready to get up and then they ask for money for lunch! i say i have no cash, but they can use my card if they need to, my father-in-law says " let her put it on her card since they ate food and we just had soup." ok, no shit, i feel my eyes brimming with tears, i know my mother-in-law sees this as she quickly somehow finds money in her purse and pays. ok, not one word about helping financially, not one dime offered, not anything, and then they ask for money, i would have had the meeting at my house, not irenes! and this after my parents gave me some money, and that is not their place. my dad is stressed because of his and mom's medical bills and he wants to be able to give me more. i feel so tricked, so lied to and so deceived. i feel like i am wearing a sign that says "please fuck me over" i wanted to run today, so far, forever, not to ever look back. this may not sound so bad to you all, but to me, after the husband trickery yesterday, and now this, i mean she basically just says whatever it takes to make sure we keep kennedy, with no intention of following through. it hurts. i am aching to my very core. i have no desire to speak to her for a very long time. they had the meeting and then decided to leave today instead of tomorrow. i feel like they figured we would calm down before the 3 months was up from their trip. dave leaves in 36 hours, i have zeds birthday, 4kids and endless events that i need to be at. i feel like i cannot breathe, i feel like any minute i will just lose it and never return to "living" i dont know what to do, i feel so lost. and i do not do anger well. it eats up my insides, it turns me into someone i don't really like. i am afraid to close my eyes tonight, i don't want anything but to be in a cocoon, quiet, alone, unbothered, untouched, no worries. i have lost my identity, because i have tried both the evil and nice ways of living, and i will tell you what this way sucks ass!!!!!! people just find ways to fuck you over, no matter how nice you try to live your life. i am confused. that's it, sorry it's so lengthy, it might not make one bit of sense, it may seem trivial, i don't care, i hurt, so it is a real thing to me

to shut my eyes
to hear only my heartbeat
to find the darkness
the constant companion
that could hide me
that could shield me
from the craziness that has
become my life
to not feel
to not hurt
to not yearn
to not cry
to not care
i seek shelter
darkness
emptiness
nothingness
solitude
to be far away
from this....
just let me shut my eyes
and let them stay closed
forever....

how do i learn his language?!

how do i learn his language?! i want so desperately to make this marriage work. my life is so chaotic right now, i am ready for some peace.(not likely, anytime soon) my whole life i have been so deceived by so many people that i respected and that were in a position of trust in my life, i thought that getting away from that life would signal an end to the deceit and trickery. it is the number one thing i cannot handle from people i trust and love at this stage in my life. yet,once again, i am on the short end of the stick with the communication with dave. a few weeks ago, 2 to be exact, he was all upset that his friends were going rockclimbing for 5 days and he couldn't go, so i casually suggested that he go on friday instead of wednesday, his response was, i can't i have 3 courts pending that i am on call for, besides it's zed's birthday that saturday. i was impressed that he would consider that a reason for not going, and thought that was the end of it. today, i call him at lunchtime to check with him if either saturday or sunday would be better to go to my folks house to celebrate zed's birthday, and he says to me, this weekend? oh, i won't be home, i am clearly confused as i had removed the prior conversation from my mind, and ask if he has training or what? he says no don't you remember you said i could go to alabama hills on friday? and come home late sunday night? i am honestly dumb struck at this point, because i didn't think that was happening, and i just kind of ended the conversation, sat on the edge of my bed and starting weeping, i feel so stupid. the first weekend after the in-laws leave out of town for 3 months, my son's 12th birthday, the dinner at my parents, 4 kids, tynin at a sleepover, having to do it all alone, so he can climb. i already lined up a babysitter for the 3 girls so i could at least take zed to dinner and the movies, but i am so hurt. and the worst part is when he blames it on me, "remember you said i could go climbing" and that i almost didn't find out until friday as he was leaving. i am so fragile right now, i need to get to a stable secure place in life. i need to feel safe, and right now, i feel so off-kilter and neurotic. how do i learn to talk to him, to be heard, to hear, to understand..how?!?!?!?!?!?

what am i doing?

what am i doing? i feel like i am on a conveyor belt being transported through my life. everything is so surreal, so strange and so mind numbing. i am not connecting with even my closest friends, i sit and look at them with wonderment and confusion, because i cannot carry on even simple conversations without feeling like a freak. i hear things and don't know if they were really said, i see things and can't distinguish the lines between reality and the blurriness of whatever the hell this other stuff is. my kids talk to me about things that are happening or are supposed to happen next year at school and i think that it can't be true, that they would have told the parents, i feel like it is a conspiracy or something, it makes me paranoid. what is going on?! i had all night by myself to clean and get my house in order, and i didn't get it done, not hardly anything. i just want to be normal. what am i doing? no idea!

i dont have any answers

i don't have answers to life's unending questions. it seems like each day it gets harder and harder. the drama never ends, the emotions run high, fast and raw, the exhaustion is intensified, and the "nothing" is swallowing me whole. the newest thing is that kennedy's mom moved to sacramento, and we still have her, which i am pretty sure is permanent, which i didn't think was so awful, tiring but not awful. until...my husband tells me he doesn't think our marriage will survive this added stress. i am stressed about doing the right thing and having my husband and kids suffer. my mother-in-law is freaked out, and that makes it hard, she vents to my father-in-law that she doesn't want to go out of town and now he is super pissed at me, the finances are awful, and it doesn't have to be this way. there are so many programs and such that kennedy's mom could have signed up for that would at least give us a little. and believe me, it is so not about money! but it would take a little stress off of us. two science projects due monday, a costume to find, and the normal stuff i tend to each day. yet, i find myself near tears or crying about every five minutes, i find myself ready to bolt out the door, and i find myself fearing life. i want this drama to end, to just go one 24 hour period without drama, would be utterly fantastic. i have so much sadness inside, from my past, stuff that hurts to even remember. i feel alone, and it feels really big this time around. i don't have answers. not this time.

i dont even know who i am anymore

i don't even know who i am anymore. today has been one of those days where i simply cannot find a reason for my exsistence. i know that doing the right thing is sometimes hard, but isn't it still the right thing? i only hope that i am able to keep up appearances and to get the mundane things done around here. i look in the mirror and see an emptyness and a gaping hole, i don't even recgonize myself. what am i doing?! who am i?! today i feel so much pain and sorrow, and like the whole world is closing in on my head. and i feel utterly powerless to do anything about it. i wish i could climb into bed, pull the covers up tight and cry. at least tonight survivors on.

how do i explain.....

how do i explain the things that are really unexplainable? i want to find complete and total healing and freedom, but the path to get there seems long and it is a scary concept to allow others to join me on the journey. i take so much on myself, i wonder if everyone is ok, if they all understand, if it is confusing for them, do they regret being there? it all makes me scared, but it so far, as not turned me from seeking wholeness. i forget to say things, like, it looks worse than it is... it is something that is familiar to me, even if it looks horrendous, it is what it takes to get to the finish, it isn't nearly as scary as it looks, and the worst i get from the experience is being exhausted and also a little sore, and with tonight, a few scratches on the arm. i am so nervous about taking this step, i feel like i need so much reassurance that i am ok and that i am not freaking people out. i don't mean to be so needy, it just is part of who i am, hopefully at the end of all this, i won't be. going back to old hurts, to new hurts, to unknown things, is so nervewracking, that it really is sort of daunting. i am committed, until there are no more people who will stand with me in this, and than i will still try to go as far as i can alone. please be patient, as i haven't been this vulnerable in a really long time! i want this more than anything, but i need understanding a patience, and honesty from all of you, if you have questions, or you don't understand something, please...please ask or find out the answer, that is part of my heart's desire is to teach people whatever i can about this. i am never offended and if i can't answer it the way i think people understand i will find someone who can answer it easier and clearer for you, i promise. so, until next time...thanks!

will the drama ever end?!

will the drama in my extended family ever end?! i highly doubt it! this is so not the week that i can handle extra drama, but guess what? i got it by the boat loads! today started out ok, the baby slept until almost 8am, and then laid in bed with me and we watched jungle book, i am always up for a disney flick. then i got up and started cleaning, mostly half-assed, as i was so not motivated to clean. the baby was a lot of fun and it was a nice morning playing with her and she was in a great mood. i got the call from shannon, she was sick with the flu, and the kids were all over there, she actually didn't care because they were entertaining her kids, but i felt badly about it. my mother-in-law called asking if she could have the kids since she is leaving in two weeks for three whole months, so i started packing and getting meds and shoes and jackets and all of that ready, gave kennedy a bath, and left the house, i negected to get even half of my make-up on, which i haven't done for probably 20 years! by the time i realized it i was driving on the freeway. oh well. i picked up my kids, got them dressed, hair done and teeth brushed while trying to be quiet because shannon was asleep, left and headed to mcdonalds to meet my mother-in-law. on the drive there she called me and said that kennedy's mother's roommate had called her, told her that she had kicked kari out of the apartment, and asking for my mother-in-law to come get her stuff. apparently kennedy's mom has been stealing money from everyone, she had her mom mail her half of the rent to my house on the first and then her roommate gave her the other half and she didn't pay the rent, so they are getting evicted, on top of that, she had "borrowed" over five hundred dollars this month from the roommate for stuff for kennedy, like medicine and diapers, like she ever pays for anything!!! so, my mother-in-law is ready to grab kennedy and head for another country. i run some errands, get home and have to talk to dave's sister, who is now coming this week to visit, and who by the way my mother-in-law is trying to dissaude from coming, so...i talk to her and tell her that this week is super busy with me, since i am having 20 people over thursday night for dinner, and then friday the kids have an easter egg hunt at my mom's for sunday school and then saturday is a couples baby shower, and then easter sunday, but she is still coming which means i will be entertaining her a good portion of time i am sure. then my mother-in-law calls back and says that kennedy's mom moved in with some guy she met friday at the medi-cal office, that was four days ago, she has dropped out of school with 5 days remaining, and i think she lost one of her jobs. she won't return my phone calls, and then angie says she wants to follow kari around to see where she is living in case she needs to go kidnap kennedy. this is so stressful i can't even express it in words! i feel like i am bending over backwards trying to make dave happy again, so yesterday it was the gym and today i let him go to climbing gym for three hours, while i sat home alone, my mother-in-law calls dave and sends him to see if kari is at work and wants him to follow her, he does see that she is at work but chooses not to tail her the rest of the night. i am so exhausted from not sleeping but now i have all this stupid drama to deal with. then i find out that dave has court on good friday even though it is supposed to be his day off, he will probably be in court all day. i am not thrilled. i feel so overwhelmed, i feel so alone, and yet i am so busy and trying to get things done around my house. the memories are relentless, the sleep non-exsistant, and i feel like dave is the opposite of supportive, he just wants to do what he wants, tomorrow i will discuss things with the therapist, i know what he will say and i don't know if i can handle hearing it. i don't know what my plans are minute to minute so i have no idea if i will make it to prayer tomorrow night. i want to, but prayer just sounds like torture at this point, trying to sit through it may push me over the edge right now. i will just have to see what tomorrow brings.

i feel like a superbitch today

i feel like a superbitch today, sorry if the language offends any of you, but i cannot think of a nicer or more politically correct term to use in this case. today, we had church, which has been super hard for me, but during easter it is just horrid, and to top it off i had nursery duty, and at first no kids, so all the other workers bailed, withing fifteen minutes, 5 kids, two of whom are screaming and i am alone. i flag down a lady and say, my kids are in the back row can you send them all in here? so, in comes my kids, and they are so awesome with these one year olds! i was very proud. dave of course nowhere to be seen. then it is lunch with my mother-in-law which was nice, and then we got kennedy back after a week without her, and she was so cute and ready to be home and not sick anymore. we are driving home and my best friend calls and invites me and the kids over while our husbands go to the gym, now, this is where it starts to turn, you see for the past few nights, we have been staying out so late and visiting friends from out of the country who are here visiting, so yesterday my kids took a five hour nap since they stayed awake until 4am the night before, and then we stayed until 2am last night. i had told the kids that we should probably stay home all day and rest and clean and do laundry and work on science fair projects, but then it sounded so much more fun to be with shannon that i gave up on that idea, so i iron clothes for the kids, pack the diaper bag, load up the car and get everybody there, no biggie. dave goes to work out and everything is fine, the kids are taking turns watching kennedy, they are getting along great, shannon and i are enjoying just the two of us hanging out and talking. the boys get home from the gym and bring sushi home, now if you know anything about me, you know i would rather be covered in rats than eat sushi! so, my son and the rest of the grown ups eat dinner, that leaves me and five more hungry kids. dave gets tired from the workout and eating too much and just kicks back, i end up going to get groceries and cooking for the kids and myself, then i clean it up and by this time i have changed kennedy 4 times, have talked to the kids about this or that and telling them to get along, while dave does nothing, so finally i have the kitchen cleaned up, the kids playing, and kennedy in pjs, i go out to visit with the adults and dave says he is going in to take a nap! he is in there for three hours, and says he couldn't even sleep, the whole time i am trying to quiet all 8 kids by this time the neighbors two have joined in, and watch over kennedy and i am getting testier and testier, i start zoning on spiritual crap around me, and start really feeling pulled and angry at dave. i offered him to go home, many many times, at least i could have gotten stuff done around the house. i am almost in tears by the time we leave, he asks me a question and i answer and he does exactly what i say not to do, and i feel invisible again like he doesn't hear me. the kids are staying the night at shannons, except kennedy which means i have to entertain her in the morning, and i am exhausted having slept 7 hours in the last four days, 3 of them in the afternoon yesterday. its black mass and i am feeling the pressure, i hate being a bitch but i feel homicidal tonight, like i could snap, the sister-in-law is coming this week instead of next, the in-laws are leaving in two weeks and i will get no break from the baby, dave is not the support i envisoned he would be this week, and when i get in superbitch mode, i lose my control. this is such a whiny baby blog that is almost embarassing to write but at this moment i am trying not to scream and cry and run out the front door. please let tomorrow be better!